Looking in the mirror

Kate and I are going to Hawaii for our honeymoon.  It's going to be fun and relaxing.  And it requires a swimsuit.

At Target, Kate was looking at the two piece swimsuits.  I was in my head, wishing I could wear one too and damning the swimsuit manufacturers that don't make sexy one-piece suits.  Kate tried on a couple and looked good (of course).  I tried on two and looked in the mirror horrified.

I look in a mirror daily before I leave for work or weekend fun.  My mirror only looks at the top half of me, though.  The floor-length Target dressing room mirror showed me everything.

I am too snug in my clothes and don't look or feel the way I want, but I think of my "fat days" as behind me.  I think of this time as the "after" time, the healthier time.  The time when I know how to make good choices and have the tools to make my life healthier.

The Target mirror disagreed.  The Target mirror focused on my huge thighs, my heavy stomach, my flabby arms.  Normally I can focus on my beautiful hair, my lovely face, my nice curves.  But in that dressing room, more undressed than dressed, I suddenly felt like I had uncovered the "fat girl" that I had been hiding from myself.

Between Kate, a hurt ankle, and an overwhelmed schedule I haven't been able to exercise.  This week's food has been much better than last week's (and the week before).  I feel like I can return to the healthy habits of before.  Maybe not lose two pounds a week, but definitely lose rather than gain.

My current rules in Health Month are: tracking dinner before bed (5 days a week), stay under my calorie count (4 days a week), and drink at least 35 glasses of water a week.  Tracking dinner before bed has helped me significantly, since that's when I normally binge.  Staying under my calorie count 4 days a week is a struggle, especially without exercise, but I can do it.

The thing is, I can do it.  I just need to be dedicated.  Before, I didn't really have anything to be dedicated about.  Kate thinks I'm beautiful, I normally think I'm okay looking, and well - that's what matters, right?  But now I don't feel beautiful, and I am sure dedicated to changing that.

So, Target mirror, one day soon in the future, when we meet again, I am going to beat you.

Shopping

While shopping last week I was lamenting being between sizes - nothing fit!  The size 14s were simply falling off me.  It wasn't until I left the store did I realize that I had dropped a size.


I am now a size 12!

Being a size 12 means that there is quite a lot more opportunities when I'm out shopping.  I can shop in stores like Express, Victoria's Secret, H & M, and others without worrying.  Before, at a size 14, I couldn't always squeeze into everything.  And other places didn't carry the larger sizes.  It's so freeing to be able to go mall shopping.  It's such a new experience.  It's so much fun!

In celebration I - of course - went shopping.  Thrift Town had a good selection, and I got a skirt and jeans - both size 12!  I bought a dress from Zara's and a skirt from H & M.  And I of course needed new shoes to go along with all these great finds.

I don't have pics yet of me in the new clothing, but hopefully I'll be able to share them soon.  But here are my new pumps.  Aren't they amazing?  They're purple!

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can

Just like The Little Engine That Could, I am going to make it to the top of the mountain.

I have been worried I won’t be able to make my goal - losing 52 pounds in 52 weeks. I am currently behind, and I have been afraid I wouldn’t be able to make up the lost time. I know that I can’t lose more than two pounds in a week. I did the math this morning, and it’s still something I can accomplish if I stay on my program until my birthday, which is something I NEED to do for myself. I must lose 24 pounds in 13 weeks. I know I can do this, and I can’t wait to see 185.4 on the scale next Monday!

Last week I went shopping for new clothes. I haven’t updated my wardrobe since I was 215 pounds and I’m starting to look sloppily dressed. I went shopping with a co-worker who can easily shop at any store in the mall. We went to H & M, who has discontinued their in-store size 16. I had been very proud to be able to shop at (selected) shops in the mall, and it was disconcerting to me that I could no longer comfortably fit into their pants. While depressing, it was motivating in a lot of ways. It gave me a shot of what I am missing by being overweight, and what I can accomplish – and just by the end of the year! I can do this!