Day 1 recap

Yesterday was a good day.  It was beginning of Pride weekend for me, and I went out dancing with my wife and some awesome folks.  Dancing is my favorite work out ever, and combined with my morning workout and lunch time walk, I kicked some calories' butts.

After writing yesterday's post, I emailed it to my wife and asked for help. I can't do this alone this time, I'm just not motivated enough right now.  Kate immediately started on the project.  Before going to a goodbye party, I went to Subway to get a sandwich and didn't eat or drink at the party (yay healthy planning choices!).  But then I met up with friends, and we went out to dinner.  And Kate totally stuck by me and helped me make healthier choices.  Because she's the best.

Of the two goals this week that I want to do every day, I totally rocked them yesterday.  Both in large part to Kate!

1. YES - Count calories every day this week.  Do not stop on the weekend.  
2. YES - Count calories every evening, before I go to bed

Right now I'm feeling really great about Day 1 and really lucky to have Kate and such fantastic friends.  I'm finally feeling in control and that makes me happy.

Happy Valentine's Day (the day after)

Valentine's Day doesn't hold much significance to me or my fiancee, so our celebration was minimal.  I was reading Ninety Percent's blog post on V Day, and it made me feel like I had missed out on the lovey dovey holiday.  Kate knows I love and adore her, but what about all my great, amazing friends?  My family?  Maybe they deserve some blue cheese mac & cheese too.

Speaking of our V Day meal, goodness I overate yesterday!  Between the ice cream, tons of mac & cheese, and the chocolate, I don't believe I will get a loss this week.  Plus, I can't exercise right now due to my ankle, so I think I simply need to accept that fact, move on, and eat as healthy as I can for the rest of the week.  For lunch today, I ate rice and a boca burger rather than the DELICIOUS leftover mac & cheese we have in our fridge right now.

I'm halfway through the month, and I have a little more than half (6/10) my life points left on Health Month.  My three rules are:

1) Exercise for 30 minutes at least 4 times a week
2) Stay under my recommended calorie count at least 4 times a week
3) Don't snack after dinner.  3 times a week.

It's a challenging month, for sure, but having these rules 4 times a week rather than 5 (like I did last month) means I know I can accomplish my goals.  I'm glad to have this last week behind me, and for today to start the next week in my journey.  I think my goal will be to lose up to 1 life point.  Let's see if I can do it.

Food choices

Bad food day today.  I'm at a calorie deficit of 200, when my goal is 1100!  But tomorrow is another (long) day, and I'm going to try my hardest to work out.  I think I may work out before lunch.  It's going to be an 11 hour day otherwise, since I haven't been taking lunches lately because I'm so busy.  So I'll take an hour and a half lunch and look radiant for the last half of my day. 

This is okay.  Tomorrow is a new day, and in the meantime I have a job I adore.  (I've been eating to help me get the writing flowing for my five minutes speech to the Board tomorrow.  Very excited!)

Losing weight while Jewish

"Would you like some more mashed potatoes?" my Oma (grandmother) will ask me when I visit.  She will say this as she puts the mashed potatoes on my plate.

"No, I'm okay," I'll say back before realizing the mashed potatoes sitting there.  I'll have already had a plate and a half of delicious food and I'm not THAT hungry.  My Oma loves me, and equates food with love.  It's very sweet, but hard sometimes.

While not an entirely "Jewish" problem, it's hard to lose weight with a family and holidays like this.  Yesterday evening we celebrated Purim, a holiday where you're commanded to get so drunk you can't tell the good guy from the bad guy in the story.  Those shots of vodka add up, and I'm always more likely to eat while drunk.  Plus, I just made some hamantashen, and if I say so myself, they are delicious!

The next big holiday coming up is Pesach (Passover).  Pesach you're supposed to drink 4 cups of wine and the entire day/evening is concerned with a great feast.  There are traditional things you're supposed to eat and eat, and only THEN do you get to the meal.  And, of course, as I have both family and friends (imagine that!) so I'll be enjoying more than one Pesach feast.

Of course, there's also the weekly holiday of Shabbat.  Challah, while delicious, is very caloric.  And that nice dinner once a week can also be a lovely, caloricly strenuous, meal. 

I'm not so religious that I celebrate every holiday (I stayed home last night) or honor all Shabbats, but I work for a Jewish institution and I do celebrate with infrequent frequency.  So, despite my unpious nature, being Jewish does give perspective to my weight loss.  Which is to say, the only way I can lose weight is if I can control my portions.  Obviously this isn't a Jewish concept, but it does help me to remind myself of it before I begin my celebrations.  It's hard to say no to my third helping of kugel, but I can do it!  At least, sometimes I can do it.  And all that needs to happen is I need to show restraint more than I don't show restraint.  I will slip up (oh, how I love challah), but I will also be learning.  I need to remember that this is a journey, not a daily exercise in winning or failing.

How can I challenge myself?

Kristen of Low Fat Dressing made a great comment the other day when I was talking about being unmotivated.  She suggested a food challenge to spice up my weight loss routine.  I'm currently in hyper regret mode, and trying to simply take back all those calories I've eaten the past few weeks.  My goal is to create a daily 1,100 calorie deficit until Monday, but I have no idea what comes after that.

I love this idea of a challenge of some kind, but I don't know what I should do.  I've been thinking of trying to start a Biggest Loser type of group here in SF.  Something where everyone puts in $15 at the beginning, and whoever has the largest percentage of weight loss at the end of the time gets the bounty.  It wouldn't really be about the money, but the accountability and having a group to meet with.

Or I could start that fruit, nut, and veggie diet I wrote about before, but I'm afraid I'd grow tired of the diet rather than it bringing excitement to my life.

I know I need to get back to my morning workouts.  I've been exercising after work mostly, and it's not the same.  I need the structure in my life, to remind myself on a daily basis that I am losing weight.  When I work out, I use that time to concentrate on my next goal, the goals I've accomplished, and how I'm going to make the day the best it can be.  It's been nice to sleep in, but I think I need my morning mantra and accountability again.

But working out has always been the easy part for me.  I don't know what to do about the food.  Especially since I now have homemade hamentashen lying around my house.

Epic Battle: Me vs Chinese Food

Yesterday was an epic battle of Margee vs. Food.  Margee has been winning the war this week, but yesterday's battle proved more difficult than expected.  The morning began normally, with Margee knocking out Sweet Cravings with Trader Joe's Maple and Brown Sugar Instant Oatmeal, but as stress and hunger began to build, Tortilla took her down at 11 a.m.  Tortilla #2 and #3 joined in at 2pm, and by 3pm Food had made Margee feel powerless, and she simply sat out the rest of the day.  Two servings of Chinese food and brownies later, Margee retired from the ring exhausted and ready for tomorrow.

Yesterday sucked food wise and I'm afraid to get on the scale tomorrow.  I must admit I'm not going to log yesterday's horrendous eating because it'll simply make me feel terrible and there's nothing I can do at this point besides eat well today. 

Despite yesterday's horrednous eating, Wednesday marked the completion of my February goal!  For three straight days I ate within my calorie budget.  That's very exciting.  I wonder if I can eat another three days straight in my calorie budget.  I hope so!

Stressed and sweet

Work is super stressful right now.  We have a half dozen amazing time-intensive projects going on, and it's very hard to keep on track of everything.  So hard, in fact, that I can not do it.  Simply put, I'm stressed.  (As a little disclaimer, I love to be stressed.  So I really do love times like this.)

The problem with stress is I become distracted and overwhelmed, which prompts bad eating.  Just half an hour ago, wondering how I'm going to be able to do all the things that need to be done in the next two hours, I was craving a cookie.  If only I could go out and get something sweet, I told myself, I would return to work refreshed and be able to get this work done.

I made myself tea instead. 

I kept working and am enjoying the delicious yogi tea I bought myself, saving money and calories today!  I'm very proud of days like today.  It makes me feel like this is a battle that will soon be less urgent and less demanding.  Victories like this make me believe that one day I will be able to have a healthy relationship with food.  Just one day of taking healthy over delicious or bad for me is a victory, and today marks the SECOND day I've overcome my temptations!  Maybe getting injured is a blessing in disguise - I am now eating healthier than I ever was while exercising.

When does a snack become a meal?

My dessert after dinner is the same thing I eat for breakfast.  Well, almost the same thing.  I don't have butter with my breakfast, I eat it plain.

If I'm still hungry after dinner, I will eat a cinnamon raisin English muffin with butter.  It tastes like dessert, has carbs (which I have a hard time eating enough of), and isn't too caloric.  With only 160 calories, it is a great and filling after dinner.

The problem is that it's generally 160 calories after a full 400-500 calorie dinner.  That makes my dinner and dessert half of my daily caloric budget. I would like to better balance my caloric intake throughout the day, but I know that come dinner time I'm going want to abandon the control I've let into my day.

I'll do portion control, but you can have four 100 calorie ice creams, and that's a whole meal through portion control.  I'm good at putting the food in the bags, but I'm not good at making sure I only eat one. 

A cookie is enough calories for a meal, but does it make it a meal?  Popcorn is as filling with 300 less calories.  When does a snack become a meal?

Taking a tumble: The Hill and Chinese Food

I took a bit of a tumble down the hill (read HUGE MOUNTAIN) where I live on Wednesday morning.  Trying to avoid a puddle, I slipped on the wet sidewalk next to it.  On the ironic scale, pretty hilarious.  On the pain scale, ouch!  It hurt to move, but thankfully I walked away with nothing worse than some bruising.  I  avoided the gym later that day and the day following.  I could barely walk.  There was no way I could elliptical.

Yet, I was very excited about the opportunity to show the eating skills I've mastered.  Despite the pain, I didn't let myself eat emotionally and even saw a loss the next morning!

Thursday, on the other hand, was pretty awful food-wise.  I have a variety of trigger foods, and they can all be lumped into the same category: carbohydrates.  I ordered chow fun while out at lunch with a lay leader, and ate responsibly.  But then I got hungrier later that day, with delicious leftovers sitting in the fridge.  Without enough forethought, I ate everything that was left!

But I'm feeling good about today, right now.  I have been eating normally once again, with no more Chinese food to haunt my fridge.  I love being able to start a new day!

Oh holidays, oh holidays

I have been thinking about family dinners, holiday parties, and being home, just like everyone else who is trying to lose weight.  My (terrible) plan for eating this holiday season: not have one.

It's not a very healthy plan, and it's not the best, but I've given myself a rest... month.  I simply don't know how to count calories and stay motivated while not maintaining my routine.  It's terrible, I know.  I just feel like I just need a rest, though.

I am excited to start up again after I return from Michigan in early January.  I can't wait to have my cooking, working, and exercise routine back.  This is similar to those who start their plans on January 1, but at least I know the steps now.

Hope you all are enjoying this holiday season. 

Oh goodness

Did I really just down 4 chocolate chip cookies?  I don't even like chocolate!  I'm so frustrated with myself.  I see myself spiraling into the waiting mode.  I simply know I'll be back to my routine in just a few weeks, and somehow that justifies getting out of my routine now.  It's very frustrating.

Fried onions

I don't know about you, but fried onions are not my friend. 

I had a terrible eating day, culminating with drinks and terrible-ness with the co-workers at end of day.  While my lunch didn't break the calorie bank, those fried onions sure did.  I really need to learn moderation. 

I am afraid to weigh myself in the morning, but I feel I should.  I really need to get a better handle on my eating during this holiday season. 

Fat and lonely

Had a fat day today.  I was about to say unprompted by any emotional trigger, but I realize now I was feeling lonely.  Still not worth the calories, or - more precisely - the feeling of I'm About To Throw Up that excess eating caused. 

I look forward to tomorrow being another day, where I get to make new choices.

For now, I'm just feeling sick and I'm going to bed.

Sleep

I had a really fun time last night, staying out until 3 a.m.  And I had to be at my best friend's family house at 11 a.m. this morning to help decorate the tree.  (As a Hanukkah celebrator, I sadly had no tree to decorate myself, so I steal his traditions.)  I ended up only getting a little more than 5 hours of sleep.

I haven't been sleep deprived like this since I was in college.  And there was a reason I was 226 pounds in college.  When I am in need of sleep I am constantly hungry, and will eat everything in sight.  (Okay, that's not the only reason I was 226 pounds in college, but it probably didn't help.)

So I made myself wait until a respectable dinner hour (5 p.m.) to eat.  I have been hungry for dinner since 3 p.m.  But I ate lunch at 1 p.m.  I see an early bedtime in my future so I don't eat all the food in the house.

Lunch

To best track my food and save money, I bring lunch to work every day. I try to make a homemade meal a week. Lately I've been tracking my spending and have been exasperated on how much I spend on food. Buying a frozen bag of noodles and sauce at Trader Joe's - which lasts me 3 days - is much cheaper than a lot of the casseroles, burgers, soups, and sandwiches I make myself. The sodium counts on these processed foods is high, and my body does not react kindly to it. I've been trying balance cost with nutrition, and have been falling short. Healthy options are often expensive!

I've been buying a lot of frozen vegetables lately, pictured above. These too are expensive, but less so than their fresh versions (that are not currently in season). It comes out to approximately $1 per serving, because I generally eat two servings at a time of my veggies, which is a good price for a snack or meal side.

I make quite a few cheap meals, but none of which can be easily brought and kept at work. My favorite transportable meal thus far has been chicken kabobs. I have been eating significantly more meat since I began this journey, and I feel guilty for eating meat every day. But it's a nice low-calorie protein source that feels me up.

Any suggestions?

Dinner

Consistently, I eat great during the day and then bust out the calories during the evening. I don't know why I can't keep track during dinner, but I keep eating even after I finish the meal I've planned for myself. In my mind it's something small, but I shouldn't overeat by even 100 calories.

I need to plan my dinners better. When I don't plan my meals, I don't eat well. Which is what makes the holiday season so hard. Or, you know, life.

Valley of cheese and love

It's the land of food here at my parents' house. The cupboards are packed full of canned goods, the two fridges of cheeses and other delicious dairy products, and the two freezers of rice, ice cream, and bread. My brother, then six, gave my mother a card one year that said, "Valley of cheese", and it's a fairly accurate description - the cheese drawer is packed so full of different types of cheeses, that there could easily have an additional shelf in the fridge dedicated to brie, havarti, and all of the specialties you'll find in the kitchen.

Despite the valley of cheese, finding breakfast in the house is fairly difficult. My family rarely eats breakfast, and when they do it's generally eggs and potatoes. I'm not a cook, and can't make the delicious family potato recipe, and I'm sick and tired of eggs. So this morning I chose of the four kinds of veggie burgers we have in the freezers.

It's odd being back at home with a different food consciousness. My parents - all three of them - are very accommodating. Despite my favorite peppermint ice cream in the freezer, cheese in the fridge, and delicious food I won't buy or can't afford everywhere else, I am feeling healthy at home. I just put smaller portions on my plate, and supplement what I eat with a box of clementines I brought.

The only problem is the sheer number of parents I have, all of whom want to feed me. My Jewish father and my adoring mothers both show love through food. The only food choice I haven't been happy with is eating dinner twice yesterday. It's hard to say no to food as love, but I just ate some homemade challah, a bit of rice, and a small serving of fish. Smaller portions have just as much love as big ones.

The day after

I generally feel terrible about my eating mistakes just hours after the experience. Sometimes the frustration creeps up the next day. But here I am, morning after Thanksgiving, feeling wonderful!

I'm not counting calories this weekend because I've become obsessive about eating 450 calorie meals for breakfast and lunch, and then pretending calories don't exist after 3 p.m. Instead, I'm trying to be very conscious about eating what's good for me and limiting portion size. With health as a motivator, it keeps me from over indulging on Chinese food at night.

I did not feel stuffed after Thanksgiving dinner, which was my goal of the night. I had been thinking about this evening for awhile, and how I would properly "handle" it, and I think I followed all of my expectations for myself, which were:

1. Small portions of everything. This way I don't feel deprived (which contributes to binging), but also am eating healthy. I had a little stuffing, a little mashed potatoes, a little turkey, and half my plate was green beans.
   
2. Don't take seconds. Or thirds. Or fourths. In my "former life", I wouldn't have stopped on plate one. I would have likely gotten up from the table many times to fill up on thousands of calories of stuff (which is easy to do at 300 calories per half cup). The only thing I took seconds of was steamed green beans - I figured that was okay.
3. Prepare for the meal by eating. I had both breakfast (bagel & lox - delicious!) and lunch (gnocci, apple, and jerky) so that when I arrived at dinner I wouldn't be starved and eat everything in sight. I also had an unplanned snack of humus and wheat thins, and brie and crackers, but I had conservative portions and - most importantly of all - enjoyed myself!
   
4. Don't sit by the snack table. I ate a bit more brie and crackers than I would have wanted during appetizers (not SO much, but enough), so next year my new rule is don't put myself in a place where I can stuff my face so easily.
5. Enjoy myself. The more I concentrate on who is in the room, and enjoy their company, the less I eat. Enthralled by a great story, singing along to lesbian guitar solos, or just laughing until my sides hurt keeps me from taking another chip.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My blessings this year are too numerous to recount, but I'd like to share one with you: I am grateful to have this great body that lets me move and shake and lose 50 pounds, and have a great community that supports me along the way. Thank you!

I want some gnocci

I wanna eat some crackers and cheese, burrito, sandwich, chips. Anything that's bready and over my calorie limit.

I'm not hungry, I'm just bored and craving. The delicious tea I just had is not improving my mood, just delaying it.

The gum I'm chewing is no substitute for pizza. Noodles would taste really good right now.

I love my job, but I don't work well when I'm not stressed. There's no upcoming events. I don't have any deadlines that come soon. I'm just bored. So I want to eat.

This is the reason I'm overweight. My relationship with food is really fucked up. But I'll get through it. This feeling will pass and I'll make some healthy choices for dinner tonight. Because I can, and I want to.

It won't "taste as good as being thin feels". Oh, my body- and fat-positive friends would be really upset with me if they know this line inspires me. I kind of hate myself for it too. But it does. And I need a mantra right now.

Goal setting --- and making!

By the end of the week I hope to be in the 180s! That rocks it. And all because I kept on my calorie budget last week, and am even getting better at getting more protein. Let's hope I can do the same for this week. I've started out well. Yesterday I ate 9 calories under my budget. :)

Sometimes living California is a pretty awesome thing, including making all restaurants with 20+ chains have calorie counts on their menus. This not only allows me to make healthier choices when I eat out, but some restaurants are changing their menus to have healthier options as a result. I can't wait until this law takes effect. (Additional information here.)