Week re-cap

Weight: 203.2

Week’s weight loss: -3.0

Total weight loss: -3.0

It's been a week since I began to focus on weight loss/healthy eating again.  My goals were really important to me – Kate and I both paid attention to them, and tried to accommodate them into our schedules.  (Kate and I are constantly attached at the hip; we share one calendar.)   I feel like after a week, I’m ready to move onto some more goals, some of which are also health related.

Last week’s goals were:

1.       Lose a pound - SUCCESS

I didn’t just lose one pound – I lost three!   My starting weight was 206.2, and I ended three pounds lower, at 203.2. 

2.       Count calories every day this week.  Do not stop on the weekend – 6/7

Every day, but Saturday.  Pride got in the way, and I’m okay with that. 

3.       Count calories every evening, before I go to bed – 5/7

This only got done because of Kate.  She’s really great at reminding me.  It’s hard to count calories when you know you’re over.

This week’s goals will look very similar to last week’s:

1.       Lose a pound (or two, or three)

2.       Count calories every day this week.  Do not stop on the weekend.

3.       Count calories every evening, before I go to bed.

4.       Make healthy, not pre-packaged lunch.

Day 6

Losing weight with Kate is unlike anything I've ever done before.  She constantly asks me questions that I may find rude from others, but I find endearing and well-meant from her.  Yesterday, there was free ice cream - FREE ICE CREAM - on our way to BART.  I asked Kate, "Should I get some ice cream?" and she responded with "Do you have the calories?  Because if you do - you definitely should."  I didn't, and it took that conversation to remind me that I had a healthier option.  And - even better - she wouldn't have judged me if I had gotten the ice cream.

This week has been amazing.  I've only gone over my calories once so far.  A mix of exercise, planning, and eating well has really enabled me to be successful so far this week.  Having felt like a failure (on the food front) for much of the past year, it's been amazing to take control - and still get to eat goodies.  And it's been great to be able to share it with Kate, who's calorie counting too.  I'm impressed with LiveStrong, though their website could be more friendly to people who want to share meals and food with one another.  (I'm wantonfrolick if you want to look me up.)

Pride weekend

Dyke march, Pink Saturday, and Sunday's parade - it was non-stop rainbows this weekend.  My eating wasn't awful, and I even counted calories on Sunday.  (Saturday I munched all day - even my best guess would be ridiculously off.)  Almost every weekend this year I have gained weight on the weekend, and this is the first time that I can remember IN A WHOLE YEAR that I did not gain any weight between Friday and Sunday night.  I know it's a sad state of affairs when you gain weight every week, but it's so amazing to have the power to stop the cycle and take control of your body.

Just a little over three more pounds to go before I'm under 200 again.  It takes those small goals to keep me motivated.  Thinking about the fact that I re-gained 35 pounds is so discouraging, but a three pound goal is extremely attainable.

It feels nice to be on a healthy path and to have Kate there with me.  I can't wait until I feel strong and comfortable in my body again!

Day 1 recap

Yesterday was a good day.  It was beginning of Pride weekend for me, and I went out dancing with my wife and some awesome folks.  Dancing is my favorite work out ever, and combined with my morning workout and lunch time walk, I kicked some calories' butts.

After writing yesterday's post, I emailed it to my wife and asked for help. I can't do this alone this time, I'm just not motivated enough right now.  Kate immediately started on the project.  Before going to a goodbye party, I went to Subway to get a sandwich and didn't eat or drink at the party (yay healthy planning choices!).  But then I met up with friends, and we went out to dinner.  And Kate totally stuck by me and helped me make healthier choices.  Because she's the best.

Of the two goals this week that I want to do every day, I totally rocked them yesterday.  Both in large part to Kate!

1. YES - Count calories every day this week.  Do not stop on the weekend.  
2. YES - Count calories every evening, before I go to bed

Right now I'm feeling really great about Day 1 and really lucky to have Kate and such fantastic friends.  I'm finally feeling in control and that makes me happy.

Let's start over

Well, it's not really starting over, is it?  It's never really starting over - it's a journey and there's no beginning or end.  But right now I'm going to begin with the number 206.2.  This way I can be accountable.

Kate's been counting calories with me.  Well, that's not true.  Kate's been counting calories.  I've been pretending to count calories.  I need some accountability to myself, so I'm going to write it all down here.  I'm not motivated to lose weight like I used to be - I have the love of the life, what more do I need?  Except I don't love my body.  It feels slugging, weak, and as if it's competing with itself.  I don't feel as comfortable in my own skin as I used to - it feels foreign to me.  But I find it so hard sometimes to do things for myself.  But this I need to do for myself.

So, starting number is 206.2.  I have a week until the end of the month.  Here are my goals for the next week, from Thursday to Thursday:

1. Lose a pound.  
2. Count calories every day this week.  Do not stop on the weekend
3. Count calories every evening, before I go to bed.

It sounds so hard to me.  Every day, including the weekends?  Staying accountable to myself?   I know if I can do it this week, I can do it next week and the week after.  If I can do it today, I can do it tomorrow, and the day after.  I can do this, right?

Looking in the mirror

Kate and I are going to Hawaii for our honeymoon.  It's going to be fun and relaxing.  And it requires a swimsuit.

At Target, Kate was looking at the two piece swimsuits.  I was in my head, wishing I could wear one too and damning the swimsuit manufacturers that don't make sexy one-piece suits.  Kate tried on a couple and looked good (of course).  I tried on two and looked in the mirror horrified.

I look in a mirror daily before I leave for work or weekend fun.  My mirror only looks at the top half of me, though.  The floor-length Target dressing room mirror showed me everything.

I am too snug in my clothes and don't look or feel the way I want, but I think of my "fat days" as behind me.  I think of this time as the "after" time, the healthier time.  The time when I know how to make good choices and have the tools to make my life healthier.

The Target mirror disagreed.  The Target mirror focused on my huge thighs, my heavy stomach, my flabby arms.  Normally I can focus on my beautiful hair, my lovely face, my nice curves.  But in that dressing room, more undressed than dressed, I suddenly felt like I had uncovered the "fat girl" that I had been hiding from myself.

Between Kate, a hurt ankle, and an overwhelmed schedule I haven't been able to exercise.  This week's food has been much better than last week's (and the week before).  I feel like I can return to the healthy habits of before.  Maybe not lose two pounds a week, but definitely lose rather than gain.

My current rules in Health Month are: tracking dinner before bed (5 days a week), stay under my calorie count (4 days a week), and drink at least 35 glasses of water a week.  Tracking dinner before bed has helped me significantly, since that's when I normally binge.  Staying under my calorie count 4 days a week is a struggle, especially without exercise, but I can do it.

The thing is, I can do it.  I just need to be dedicated.  Before, I didn't really have anything to be dedicated about.  Kate thinks I'm beautiful, I normally think I'm okay looking, and well - that's what matters, right?  But now I don't feel beautiful, and I am sure dedicated to changing that.

So, Target mirror, one day soon in the future, when we meet again, I am going to beat you.

Cinnamon buns

I know I want to live a healthy life, but with all the stress of this weekend, I have to say - eating just makes me feel better.  I can't exercise because of my ankle, and I'm afraid to look at the scale.  In the meantime, I'm stuffing things in my face like there's no tomorrow.

But it really does make me feel better.