Pride weekend

Dyke march, Pink Saturday, and Sunday's parade - it was non-stop rainbows this weekend.  My eating wasn't awful, and I even counted calories on Sunday.  (Saturday I munched all day - even my best guess would be ridiculously off.)  Almost every weekend this year I have gained weight on the weekend, and this is the first time that I can remember IN A WHOLE YEAR that I did not gain any weight between Friday and Sunday night.  I know it's a sad state of affairs when you gain weight every week, but it's so amazing to have the power to stop the cycle and take control of your body.

Just a little over three more pounds to go before I'm under 200 again.  It takes those small goals to keep me motivated.  Thinking about the fact that I re-gained 35 pounds is so discouraging, but a three pound goal is extremely attainable.

It feels nice to be on a healthy path and to have Kate there with me.  I can't wait until I feel strong and comfortable in my body again!

Day 1 recap

Yesterday was a good day.  It was beginning of Pride weekend for me, and I went out dancing with my wife and some awesome folks.  Dancing is my favorite work out ever, and combined with my morning workout and lunch time walk, I kicked some calories' butts.

After writing yesterday's post, I emailed it to my wife and asked for help. I can't do this alone this time, I'm just not motivated enough right now.  Kate immediately started on the project.  Before going to a goodbye party, I went to Subway to get a sandwich and didn't eat or drink at the party (yay healthy planning choices!).  But then I met up with friends, and we went out to dinner.  And Kate totally stuck by me and helped me make healthier choices.  Because she's the best.

Of the two goals this week that I want to do every day, I totally rocked them yesterday.  Both in large part to Kate!

1. YES - Count calories every day this week.  Do not stop on the weekend.  
2. YES - Count calories every evening, before I go to bed

Right now I'm feeling really great about Day 1 and really lucky to have Kate and such fantastic friends.  I'm finally feeling in control and that makes me happy.

Weekly Weigh-In (185.8)

Current weight: 185.6
Total weight loss: 40.6

Wow!  I'm really surprised - I met my (updated) goal for January.  I wanted to be 186.5, and at 185.8 I totally rocked it.  


I was at a conference this weekend, and almost every meal had more than half my plate filled with vegetables and fruits, and they were sure delicious.  The caterer even made the cauliflower taste good!


It feels so empowering to finally feel like I'm "on track".  I am on the path toward achieving my goals - losing at least 5 pounds a month before the wedding (in late May).  I almost saw 190 more than once this month, and it feels so fantastic to see the scale slowly come down.  For awhile, 185 felt like an impossible number.  


My willpower is improving, and my goals are feeling more tangible.  I want to also train for a 5k.  Today is supposed to be my second run, but I'm feeling pretty awful and might skip the run in favor of resting and trying to be well enough so tomorrow I can come to work.  It's really frustrating - I've been looking forward to this run all weekend - but I'd prefer to stay healthy than force my body to do something it simply can't do and stay well.


My goals for February are to continue on the path that I set up for myself this last week.  I want to:

• Continue to train for a 5k
• Lose 5.8 pounds (be 180.0 by February 28)
• Continue to blog

The last one is a must!  I'm really excited - I've been chosen as one of Health Month's February bloggers!!!  I just love Health Month and jumped at the opportunity. I also like what they ask of their bloggers.  From an email they sent:

Write at least once a week about something Health Month related... how it's working for you, how it's not working for you, how you're adapting it to your special circumstances.  Don't feel pressured to censor yourself on my behalf at all... the best way to get the most out of this experience is to be as honest as possible.

I totally can do that.  I can't wait!  February's going to rock! 

Running towards the goal

Today I began the Couch to 5k program.  Week one is: run 60 seconds, walk 60 seconds for 20 minutes (with a warm up and cool down).  Simple enough.

On minute 8 or so I began thinking that week one just wasn't for me.  I mean, come on, walking more than running?  I haven't been a couch potato.  I exercise at least three times a week - if not all five work days.  I can just skip these first few days of the program.

By minute 11 or so, I was glad I kept on trucking.  My legs and heart were starting to burn.  I could feel the strain on my body.  It was the perfect combination - strained, but not exhausted

When I was on my final 60 second run, I ran harder and faster than I had before.  It felt great.  Exhausted, I was happy to walk off the treadmill and feel a little bit accomplished.

Running isn't exactly my thing, but I'm going to try and keep with this.  I like feeling accomplished and I need more of it.  Plus, just like I said it would, totally totally rocked (calories wise).  And if I hadn't had a goal, like running, I know that I would have eaten more of those delicious Trader Joe's swiss almond cookies.

Accountability

When I mess up, I hate to admit it.  I ignore the cupcake, the spilled mess, the unfinished paper.  I walk away from it, and hope no one - including myself - will notice.  The shame of it overcomes me, and hiding never makes it better.


Part of weight loss is being accountable.  It's knowing you messed up, and trying to correct that. But it's also knowing when you totally rocked it.  Roni's Weigh said it well today: 

For so long I thought I had to be perfect which led to dieting to getperfect but once I couldn’t be perfect on said diet I decided it wasn’t worth it at all. If I couldn’t be perfect then why bother? But I wanted to be perfect so I’d start again with a new perfect diet only to discover I couldn’t be perfect yet again. [...]

Since we already owned our UNhealthy habits it’s time to celebrate the healthy ones.  What are you doing right? What do you deserve a pat on the back for? Don’t be afraid to toot your own horn. Owning your accomplishments is JUST as important as recognizing what you need to change.

Well, yesterday I totally rocked it.  I stayed within my calorie range and I barely snacked.  I didn't eat after dinner - when I generally eat my most calories - and reached my calorie-related goals, even though I didn't work out!  It was a fantastic day, and it looks like I'm on the road to another one today.


For the first time in a long while, I feel like this is something I can do.  And that feels amazing.

What I've gained in 2009

It's almost 2010, which means I have been at this weight loss thing for almost a year! As the year comes to a close, I wanted to do a list of what I've gained in 2009.  On (or maybe the day after) my birthday, which is when I officially began this journey last year, I think I'm going to look at the goals I set for myself, what I achieved, and what the next year has in store for me.


In 2009 I:

• Lost 40 pounds.  Okay, it's not my goal of 52 (which I technically still have a week left to complete), but it's still pretty darn fantastic.  I have lost a total of 50 pounds!
  
  
• Discovered I love to exercise.  When I began this journey, I never expected to enjoy my daily trips to the gym, dance floor, or grassy hiking hill.  I thought exercise is what skinny people did, and I sure as heck don't come from a skinny family - so that sure couldn't be me!  Yet, I really like my early morning routine of dancing on the elliptical.  It's relaxing, helps me focus my day's intentions, and gives me more energy during the day.
  
  
• Learned how to balance carbohydrates, protein, and other nutrients, and learned what a 400 calorie meal looks like.  This is by far the hardest part of this year.  Eating correctly is a huge challenge for me.  My family lives for food, and I definitely appreciate all things unhealthy.  But I've muddled through it by using my calorie counters and trying to make good choices.  It's not going to taste as good as being thin feels.
  
  
• Was inspired.  I am so grateful to have friends on the road with me who inspire me.  Many are also on this weight loss journey, and they have helped and supported me through this all.  And they're all so amazing!
  
  
• Lowered my resting heart rate.  This is simply something I've noticed while on the elliptical - my heart rate has been slowly lowering despite increasingly intense workouts.  I am happy to say my weight loss journey is making me healthier all the way around!
  
  
• Can now shop in "normal" sized stores.  This was a BIG one for me.  I am now the largest size they have, but it doesn't matter!  I am learning to be stylish and appreciate my new shape.  I can't wait to be able to shop at the various San Francisco boutiques!
  
  
• Dropped from a size 21 to size 14.  As the fat has melted away, my curves have become more curvy.  I am now able to shop at the stores, and feel great about my strong body.  I look forward to it being stronger and looking even better.
  
  
• I have collar bones and other hidden features.  Who knew that I was missing parts of my body?  From calves to cheek bones, it's amazing what is coming into focus as I lose weight.  Including a smaller belly button!
  
  
• I feel healthier.  I didn't know that you weren't supposed to have a stomach ache after each meal - I thought that's how your stomach told you that your body was full!  I am learning my body's needs and limits through this process, and it makes me appreciate my flexibility, stamina, strength, balance, and digestion much more than I ever have before.  I simply feel  better and healthier!

I'm off to Michigan for a week to visit family!  Thankfully, I am going to get a week-long pass to the gym, and I hope to maintain my 175 pounds during the week.  I'll try to check in, but no promises.  I will be busy and happy with the family.

Happy new year!

Valley of cheese and love

It's the land of food here at my parents' house. The cupboards are packed full of canned goods, the two fridges of cheeses and other delicious dairy products, and the two freezers of rice, ice cream, and bread. My brother, then six, gave my mother a card one year that said, "Valley of cheese", and it's a fairly accurate description - the cheese drawer is packed so full of different types of cheeses, that there could easily have an additional shelf in the fridge dedicated to brie, havarti, and all of the specialties you'll find in the kitchen.

Despite the valley of cheese, finding breakfast in the house is fairly difficult. My family rarely eats breakfast, and when they do it's generally eggs and potatoes. I'm not a cook, and can't make the delicious family potato recipe, and I'm sick and tired of eggs. So this morning I chose of the four kinds of veggie burgers we have in the freezers.

It's odd being back at home with a different food consciousness. My parents - all three of them - are very accommodating. Despite my favorite peppermint ice cream in the freezer, cheese in the fridge, and delicious food I won't buy or can't afford everywhere else, I am feeling healthy at home. I just put smaller portions on my plate, and supplement what I eat with a box of clementines I brought.

The only problem is the sheer number of parents I have, all of whom want to feed me. My Jewish father and my adoring mothers both show love through food. The only food choice I haven't been happy with is eating dinner twice yesterday. It's hard to say no to food as love, but I just ate some homemade challah, a bit of rice, and a small serving of fish. Smaller portions have just as much love as big ones.

The day after

I generally feel terrible about my eating mistakes just hours after the experience. Sometimes the frustration creeps up the next day. But here I am, morning after Thanksgiving, feeling wonderful!

I'm not counting calories this weekend because I've become obsessive about eating 450 calorie meals for breakfast and lunch, and then pretending calories don't exist after 3 p.m. Instead, I'm trying to be very conscious about eating what's good for me and limiting portion size. With health as a motivator, it keeps me from over indulging on Chinese food at night.

I did not feel stuffed after Thanksgiving dinner, which was my goal of the night. I had been thinking about this evening for awhile, and how I would properly "handle" it, and I think I followed all of my expectations for myself, which were:

1. Small portions of everything. This way I don't feel deprived (which contributes to binging), but also am eating healthy. I had a little stuffing, a little mashed potatoes, a little turkey, and half my plate was green beans.
   
2. Don't take seconds. Or thirds. Or fourths. In my "former life", I wouldn't have stopped on plate one. I would have likely gotten up from the table many times to fill up on thousands of calories of stuff (which is easy to do at 300 calories per half cup). The only thing I took seconds of was steamed green beans - I figured that was okay.
3. Prepare for the meal by eating. I had both breakfast (bagel & lox - delicious!) and lunch (gnocci, apple, and jerky) so that when I arrived at dinner I wouldn't be starved and eat everything in sight. I also had an unplanned snack of humus and wheat thins, and brie and crackers, but I had conservative portions and - most importantly of all - enjoyed myself!
   
4. Don't sit by the snack table. I ate a bit more brie and crackers than I would have wanted during appetizers (not SO much, but enough), so next year my new rule is don't put myself in a place where I can stuff my face so easily.
5. Enjoy myself. The more I concentrate on who is in the room, and enjoy their company, the less I eat. Enthralled by a great story, singing along to lesbian guitar solos, or just laughing until my sides hurt keeps me from taking another chip.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My blessings this year are too numerous to recount, but I'd like to share one with you: I am grateful to have this great body that lets me move and shake and lose 50 pounds, and have a great community that supports me along the way. Thank you!

I've always been fat. Seriously. Always. It has just been part of who I am. Margee: intelligent, creative, fat. For years and years I wished it was something I could change about myself, but never really believed I could do it.

Looking at my graduation pictures was the first time I realize I was that fat. My internal image of myself was closer to what I look like now (35 pounds later). It occurred to me that I was growing and growing and growing, and it wasn't going to stop unless I was dedicated to myself and made hourly conscious choices and ate better.

May 2008 (225 pounds)

May 2008 (195 pounds)

Gosh, darn. Look at those collar bones! And you can see my face so much better!

Most importantly, though, I can now fit into most department stores clothing sizes. This has been the number one best thing that has happened since losing weight. I'm hopeful (and excited) to see what my face will look like at 163!

I'm going to win this race (against myself), even if it costs me tons of money!

Motivation is the hardest part. Working out in the morning is part of my routine, but it's much harder to make a routine out of eating healthy. To inspire me, I'm creating a chart of "celebrations" for hitting a weight.

Historically, the problem is not believing in myself. I don't believe I am capable of the weight that's right there on the scale. This is in part to natural weight fluctuations. Today the scale told me I was 189.4, but yesterday it told me I was 191.4. But the problem is circular - I don't believe I am that weight, so I am not inspired by myself, so I don't try, and so I end up NOT being that weight.

For these celebrations of weight loss, I am going to count the first time that a number appears on the scale when I weigh myself in the morning. So, today I can celebrate being under 190, despite the fact the cynical part of me believes my weight will shoot up tomorrow.

I have one "celebration" to fill in still (may end up all being manicures!), but here is the chart:

185 - Manicure
180 - Shoe shopping
175 -
170 -Hair coloring (I've never done this before!)
163 - Clothes shopping
155-Massage

My goal is to be 163 by my birthday (52 pounds!). My present to myself for achieving my goal will be a huge shopping spree. If I'm able to drop the 7 extra pounds (my stretch goal) I am going to get a message in addition, which is something I've never done.

Fat of July

My father was the first person I remember who told me I was fat. Coming home from my first week of second grade at a new school, frustrated by my social ineptitude that I learned from my chronically-depressed dad, I shyly mentioned that I hadn’t made friends yet.

“Yeah, it’s hard being the chubby kid,” my dad remembered from his childhood. “Does anyone else have a few extra pounds in your class?”

My dad was the first one to tell me I was fat, but that time in second grade was not the last time. He made frequent references to the fact that I was “chubby”. It wasn’t until I grew older and looked back on school pictures that I realized it wasn’t until years later – after my self-esteemed around my body had been entirely eliminated – that my cheeks became much rounder.

But it’s not my father’s fault I’m fat. I’m fat because food is my addiction.

Over the 4th of July I went to a party my parents’ friends were throwing. I’ve never been the best at socializing (see above), and don’t know how to relate to all these older parents. I calmed and distracted myself by frequent trips to go get something to eat, despite the fact that I was the opposite of hungry.

I have to count calories to contain my eating habits. Eating as I should has trained my body in new ways. I now feel sick after binging on ice cream, which is a completely new phenomenon. The moment I stop counting calories, though, I often go over the top. I had four hotdogs during the Fourth of July, along with all the potato salads, noodle salads, chips, etc. Nervous and without anything to do, I choose my addiction – eating.

When I count calories, I most often stay under the 1500 calorie limit. I often stop doing this because I don’t know how to correctly enter the food I’m eating into Spark People. Or because I don’t want to know. My mother can eat whatever she wants practically, because of her weight-loss surgery, so when I come home we eat delicious home cooked dishes that I could never make at home. In my excitement to have something so luscious in my mouth, I overeat.

My relationship with food is unhealthy at best, and part of this adventure is to learn new ways of approaching food. Shelia is an inspiration. She has been able to control her appetite by slowly transitioning her relationship with food and easing her body into enjoying the healthy stuff. I look forward to the day where – not only do I get sick from the bad food, as I do now, but – I want the good food in portion-controlled measurements.

Little successes

One of the fun things about weight loss is going through the closet and seeing what fits.

Today I found a dress I haven't worn in years. It is the first - and last - sundress I owned. Sitting in my closet at my parents' house, it waited for me for years as I fluctuated sizes. Now - finally - it fits again! I am really excited to wear it again.

There are only a handful of items that I owned when I was last size 14 that still don't fit me (well). I am currently a little over 190 pounds. The lowest weight I've ever been is 185. It's exciting to know that in just over five pounds I will be the lowest weight of my entire non-child lifetime! I wonder how long it will be until I drop another size, and will be the lowest size that I remember ever being.