It's a journey

It's a journey, and yesterday I fell into the metaphoric mud.  Not so badly that I broke anything, but enough that my pants got stained.  And I knew it was coming.

After celebrating my accomplishment - being in my calorie range for the first time in a long while - I knew a bad day was next.  It's just how it goes with me.  I'll do great one day, and poorly the next.  Too much coffee, a free bagel bar, and a long conference later, I was picking myself up from the mud.

Even though I missed my work out this morning, today has the potential to totally rock.  Being engaged has been very hard on my routine.  I have not yet figured out how to motivate myself enough to leave a beautiful woman behind in bed next to me.  Instead, I packed my gym clothes "to go" and I'm going to hit the gym after work.

I talked with a colleague of mine yesterday, who found running during her weight loss journey.  She said that finishing a race makes you feel like you can do anything in the world.  After reading A Merry Life's triathlon journey, I am feeling inspired.  I put the Couch to 5k podcast on my iPod.  Running has always been hard for me, but I want to feel that sense of accomplishment, feel like I can complete something.  I'm going to see how it goes for me at the gym today, and see if a 5k might be in my future.

The only problem with running is that it doesn't nearly burn as many calories as other aerobic activities.  With those wedding pictures looming in my future, it definitely feels like a race to the (weight loss) finish.  Then again, I have been maintaining my weight, and a goal might be just the thing to tip the scales, so to speak.

Yes!

While I've been madly blogging all about my wedding, it's time that I dust off the scale and finally hop back on.  There's a wedding coming up in a few months, and you bet your bottom dollar I want to look snazzy for those photos.  I've gained back some weight, but no where near where I started before.  I'm currently weighing in right under 190 - about 25 pounds more than my lowest weight.  It's hard to accept, but it's time to move on and just dig my heels in.

For awhile I've been tracking my calories, but only Monday through Friday.  Living with my fiancée has kept me from doing Me Stuff, like counting calories or going to the gym.  We don't get to spend nearly enough time together, and I'm still figuring out how to lose weight while in love.

But I'm frustrated with my lack of willpower, and I'm going to do something about it.  I'm going to lose weight, and blog about the ups - and downs - on the way!  Again.

Unmotivated

Alright, I'm going to admit it.  I'm bored.  It's not just counting calories that's boring me.  I lack the thrill of non-work deadlines.  Which is why I've decided to begin taking Spanish, but sadly I decided this two months too late.  I'm trying to be patient waiting for the semester to end.

So I'm bored in life and diet.  And I haven't been keeping up.  I'm afraid to step on the scale.  I'm wondering what the use is of "going on".  I know why I should - I'm not where I want to be health-wise, weight-wise, or size-wise.  Yet, I am comfortable where I am.  And similarly, I'm comfortable in life.

I need adventure.  I need some fun.

I did well on the diet today, but half of that was I was too busy concentrating on not falling over from dizziness that food didn't really persuade me.

Hopefully tomorrow and this weekend will be a better week.

Weekly weign in

I'm going to skip my weekly weigh-in this week.  I never do this, but I'm simply too embarrassed/in disbelief over the weight I saw this morning.  I'll let you know next week where I stand.

In the meantime, my embarrassment has proven to be an effective motivating tool.  I have planned out my week and seem to be on the right track.  I am trying to stay motivated, but it's hard when I'm starting to feel like I have a "normal" body.  But I'm not yet in the healthy range, and I'm still not thrilled with how my body looks.  I know it's unusual, but I like my body more when I'm standing naked in front of my mirror in the morning than I do after all the layers of clothes I put on.  Those curves are proof of all my hard work, and that gets hidden under the shirts and pant.

But sometimes I need a reminder that I'm not yet done with this work.  I yearn for a day when my legs don't rub, and I don't need to wear tights or leggings to make a dress comfortable.  I want to be able to be a healthy weight.  I want to be HOT, not just beautiful.  This can only be attained if I watch what I eat.  I CAN DO IT!!!  IT REALLY IS WHAT I WANT!!!

Deliciously stuffed

Remember all those things I said about responsible eating during Thanksgiving? You can ignore them. Thanksgiving was great; the weekend after Thanksgiving was deliciously stuffed.

My mom made homemade popcorn, beer cheese soup, more stuffing (my favorite), and turkey sandwiches. I also discovered non-chocolate oreos, which I love. I didn't go completely crazy, but I definitely felt like I should be rolling rather than walking to my bed.

I love my family to death and feel so blessed to be able to spend this Thanksgiving with them. One trip down, and three more holiday trips to go: Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Years. I'm excited to spend so much time with my family, despite the "diet" setbacks. My family is well worth the potential slip-ups, and it gives me an opportunity to see how much I have changed, and look at what I still need to work on.

Tan, tall, and THIN

I have returned from the land of long legs, blond hair, and small waists. I loved Southern California, but I ostentatiously don't fit in. Not only do I have a higher BMI than a very, very large majority of the population, but my dark, curly hair and one-piece bathing suit was like someone yelling "ABNORMAL" constantly. I just didn't fit in.

One of the graces of Northern California generally, and San Francisco specifically, is that there is no "normal". Sure, hipsters dominate the city, but so do hippies, business people, and children of all ages. Makeup is neither mandatory nor extraordinary. And heels are a nice addition to an outfit, but not an expectation to every outfit.

I never before have felt so darn fat as I have in Southern California. Everyone looks awfully similar, and I don't fit that mold. It is nice to return to Nor Cal where the body mold is thrown away and replaced with a political agenda.

I'm happy to say that I achieved my goal: I did not gain weight while on vacation. The constant activity (boogie boarding, biking, hiking) combined with healthy restaurant eating proved a success. The success ended last night when I overate. I lost a pound on vacation, and in one day I gained that pound back.

Despite the pound I gained back last night, I am resolute this morning in being successful this week. I begin at 193.0, and by the end of the week I'd like to lose 1.5 to 2 pounds. (My goal is 2, but I want to be realistic that sticking to a program is hard work.) The only way I know to actually lose weight is to track my food. So far this morning that has been successful, including not eating a cupcake that looked delicious because it wasn't in my calorie plan. By making the commitment to track everything I put in my mouth (no matter if it's in my plan or not), I keep myself motivated to make better choices.