Happy Valentine's Day (the day after)

Valentine's Day doesn't hold much significance to me or my fiancee, so our celebration was minimal.  I was reading Ninety Percent's blog post on V Day, and it made me feel like I had missed out on the lovey dovey holiday.  Kate knows I love and adore her, but what about all my great, amazing friends?  My family?  Maybe they deserve some blue cheese mac & cheese too.

Speaking of our V Day meal, goodness I overate yesterday!  Between the ice cream, tons of mac & cheese, and the chocolate, I don't believe I will get a loss this week.  Plus, I can't exercise right now due to my ankle, so I think I simply need to accept that fact, move on, and eat as healthy as I can for the rest of the week.  For lunch today, I ate rice and a boca burger rather than the DELICIOUS leftover mac & cheese we have in our fridge right now.

I'm halfway through the month, and I have a little more than half (6/10) my life points left on Health Month.  My three rules are:

1) Exercise for 30 minutes at least 4 times a week
2) Stay under my recommended calorie count at least 4 times a week
3) Don't snack after dinner.  3 times a week.

It's a challenging month, for sure, but having these rules 4 times a week rather than 5 (like I did last month) means I know I can accomplish my goals.  I'm glad to have this last week behind me, and for today to start the next week in my journey.  I think my goal will be to lose up to 1 life point.  Let's see if I can do it.

Picking myself up and feeling empowered

I've been sick with a cold the last few days, and it sucked.  I finally feel more myself today, and I'm excited to go back to work tomorrow.  I began cleaning up my "sick area" (the couch), and there were so many dishes, teas, cups, and a whole empty box of EmergenC scattered around.  I sure had a party over there, while watching TV, and stuffing my face.

But I'm back from that overeating extravaganza.  I got up at noon today, after calling in sick this morning (and finding my bed again), and after I lazed around for a bit I felt much more energized than I did all week.  My head didn't feel it was on backwards anymore after I took the morning slowly.  At 5 p.m. I decided that I was indeed well enough to try for a run, which is all I've wanted to do for the last week.

And boy did I run!  My last run was on a treadmill, but this time I just ran through the park by our house.  I never realized before just how powerful my body was.  My legs carried me so far so quickly - it felt amazing.  When I'm running a treadmill, I don't see the trees and people whizzing by.  The 60 second runs were a lot more interesting to me than my 90 second walks, and I was eager to hit that 90 seconds so I could again let the world whiz by.

I came home winded, but so glad I went out running.  I feel guilty for not going to work today.  If I can run, I can work, you know?  But I didn't really feel okay until late afternoon.  I'm glad that I took the day to get better, and I'm glad that I did the 2.5 mile run.  I mean, I RAN 2.5 MILES!  That's so cool!  I'm so amazed by what my body can do.

It's a journey

It's a journey, and yesterday I fell into the metaphoric mud.  Not so badly that I broke anything, but enough that my pants got stained.  And I knew it was coming.

After celebrating my accomplishment - being in my calorie range for the first time in a long while - I knew a bad day was next.  It's just how it goes with me.  I'll do great one day, and poorly the next.  Too much coffee, a free bagel bar, and a long conference later, I was picking myself up from the mud.

Even though I missed my work out this morning, today has the potential to totally rock.  Being engaged has been very hard on my routine.  I have not yet figured out how to motivate myself enough to leave a beautiful woman behind in bed next to me.  Instead, I packed my gym clothes "to go" and I'm going to hit the gym after work.

I talked with a colleague of mine yesterday, who found running during her weight loss journey.  She said that finishing a race makes you feel like you can do anything in the world.  After reading A Merry Life's triathlon journey, I am feeling inspired.  I put the Couch to 5k podcast on my iPod.  Running has always been hard for me, but I want to feel that sense of accomplishment, feel like I can complete something.  I'm going to see how it goes for me at the gym today, and see if a 5k might be in my future.

The only problem with running is that it doesn't nearly burn as many calories as other aerobic activities.  With those wedding pictures looming in my future, it definitely feels like a race to the (weight loss) finish.  Then again, I have been maintaining my weight, and a goal might be just the thing to tip the scales, so to speak.

Accountability

When I mess up, I hate to admit it.  I ignore the cupcake, the spilled mess, the unfinished paper.  I walk away from it, and hope no one - including myself - will notice.  The shame of it overcomes me, and hiding never makes it better.


Part of weight loss is being accountable.  It's knowing you messed up, and trying to correct that. But it's also knowing when you totally rocked it.  Roni's Weigh said it well today: 

For so long I thought I had to be perfect which led to dieting to getperfect but once I couldn’t be perfect on said diet I decided it wasn’t worth it at all. If I couldn’t be perfect then why bother? But I wanted to be perfect so I’d start again with a new perfect diet only to discover I couldn’t be perfect yet again. [...]

Since we already owned our UNhealthy habits it’s time to celebrate the healthy ones.  What are you doing right? What do you deserve a pat on the back for? Don’t be afraid to toot your own horn. Owning your accomplishments is JUST as important as recognizing what you need to change.

Well, yesterday I totally rocked it.  I stayed within my calorie range and I barely snacked.  I didn't eat after dinner - when I generally eat my most calories - and reached my calorie-related goals, even though I didn't work out!  It was a fantastic day, and it looks like I'm on the road to another one today.


For the first time in a long while, I feel like this is something I can do.  And that feels amazing.

Yes!

While I've been madly blogging all about my wedding, it's time that I dust off the scale and finally hop back on.  There's a wedding coming up in a few months, and you bet your bottom dollar I want to look snazzy for those photos.  I've gained back some weight, but no where near where I started before.  I'm currently weighing in right under 190 - about 25 pounds more than my lowest weight.  It's hard to accept, but it's time to move on and just dig my heels in.

For awhile I've been tracking my calories, but only Monday through Friday.  Living with my fiancée has kept me from doing Me Stuff, like counting calories or going to the gym.  We don't get to spend nearly enough time together, and I'm still figuring out how to lose weight while in love.

But I'm frustrated with my lack of willpower, and I'm going to do something about it.  I'm going to lose weight, and blog about the ups - and downs - on the way!  Again.

Evening check-in

After having a bad weigh-in and a revelation of sort this morning, I wanted to check back in this evening.  I was conscious of my calories all day, which is something that hasn't happened for many months.  I made decisions in part on calorie information.  I didn't make the best decisions today, but I also didn't make the worse.

I ate 1,900 calories today.  This is exactly what I would need to eat to maintain my weight.  Thankfully, I also burned 470 calories today, creating a deficit.  I am 30 calories shy of my 500 calorie deficit goal, but that's much closer to that goal than I've come in a long time.

Breakfast:
English muffin with a Morningstar sausage patty and salsa

Lunch:
Trader Joe's mix - frozen brown rice, melted cheese, salsa, and Morningstar grillers patty

Snack:
Pretzels and oatmeal raisin cookie

Dinner:
Salmon, summer squash, bed & butter and half a cheesecake

Totals
Calories - 1900 (goal: 1400-1700)
Carbs - 194 (goal 160-247)
Fat - 76 (goal 30-59)
Protein - 118 (goal 58-133)

Weekly Weigh-in (170.2)

Current weight: 170.2

Pounds lost: -56.2

When I stop weighing myself daily it means I'm not prioritizing weight loss.  I haven't been weighing myself daily for months now.  Partly because of the insane drama of my life the past few months, partly because I'm trying to adjust to these many changes I've been ecstatic to enjoy, and partly because of burn out.  Well, I'm re-lit this week, and I'm back.  To stay, I hope.

I'm still adjusting to living with my girlfriend.  The fact that my time is now shared with another (amazing) person is a little hard, but fun at the same time.  She likes that I cook lunches on the weekend for us to enjoy during the week.  I like that she does the dishes.  

Getting up is the hardest part.  I haven't made it consistently to the gym since we've been together, and I'm not entirely sure that's going to change.  Going to the gym five times a week while living with someone (with such a packed schedule!) is not something I'm able to maintain right now.  Instead, I think I'm going to make a goal of getting to the gym twice a week.  It's bolded, so I'll remember. 

It's okay if I don't go to the gym five times a week, though, as long as I eat well.  Plus, it's a 1.8 mile walk to BART and back again, that I walk every day.  It might not be a 400 calorie burn, but those 200 calories make a difference.  Historically, exercise is just a way to handle my overeating.  I'd prefer to just not overeat.  

What is success?

How do you measure success?  Do you compare yourself to who you were last decade?  Last year?  Last month? 

A decade ago I didn't know how to eat.  I didn't understand the symbiotic relationship between my body and my mind and engaged in very unhealthy eating practices.

A year ago (and some change) I was the heaviest I've ever been, 226.4 pounds.  I felt shameful that I was so huge, and so I started this journey.


A month ago my weight loss was again slowing down, but I was less than half a pound away from 165 pounds.

Most of weight loss is mental.  Eat less and exercise more is easy in theory, but you have to inspire yourself to not eat that delicious cookie and get to the gym in the morning.  This is a journey without specific beginnings and endings, so measuring your own success is sometimes hard.  Success breeds more success. 

Today I have lost over 55 pounds since my heaviest weight, and I am almost 5 pounds heavier than I was last month.  I have two options - considering myself a failure for not meeting my pound a week challenge so far this year and gaining 5 pounds, or a success for losing so much weight and having just 35 more pounds until my goal weight. 

I'm going to call it a success, and inspire myself to lose 1.5 pounds a week to get back on track.

When you’re only overweight

Life feels different now that I’m overweight, not the expansive obese girl I’ve always been.  For as long as I can remember I saw the world as “fat” and “not fat”.  I did not understand people who felt overweight because they wanted to lose ten pounds.  They were so thin!  They could shop in department stores!  They didn’t worry about taking up more than their share of the seat on the bus!  I was angered by what I considered vanity.  I lived in a body where I couldn’t shop in the stores, where I organized my life around food, where I felt shame at my body, and yet… I got through it, I dated, I had fun, I lived.  I was so angry that they even considered 10 pounds, when they were thin and I was fat.  But it turns out, I was just angry at myself.

In the process of losing weight I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I’m not close to the finish of my journey, but even at size 12 I feel so different than I did at size 22.  I have always had a zest for life, but now I am overcoming the shame and anger and self-hate that sponsored my eating problems.  To eat less, I had to examine why I was eating too much in the first place.  I ate when I felt nervous, and I felt nervous because I never felt good enough, witty enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  I still have those issues, but I’m actually dealing with them now – rather than simply eating them “away”.

And I don’t eat things away anymore; I don’t have hidden meals of thousands of calories.  Before, I would secretly go to Taco Bell, McDonald’s, In & Out, Old Spaghetti Factory after lunch and eat another huge meal.  I would hide the evidence so no one would find out about my shameful habits, even when my body displayed them for all to see.  It’s taken over two years, but I’ve begun to learn moderation.  I balance my hunger and (mostly) eat apples instead of ice cream.  After binging all of my life, I feel like I’ve finally begun to learn the beginnings of being whole and respecting my body.

The world feels different when your stomach doesn’t enter the room before you do.  I no longer think people are staring at me because I’m fat (and now I wonder if they ever were.)  I used my fat as a shield.  It hid me from my self-disappointment.  I can no longer use the excuse that that awesome person didn’t come and chat me up because I’m fat – and assume that no one wants to be friends with the fat girl.  The world is more real now – I have to stand on my own merits.  The world is also kinder; it’s easier to live in a world where things are manufactured for your mentality and size.  The shops stock clothing that fits me, I don’t feel shameful when I go out to eat by myself, and I’m starting to feel normal in ways I never thought I’d be able to attain.

Pilates, yoga, and class

I feel guilty for going to pilates and yoga.  I am afraid I'm turning into the fit yuppie who buys organic, fresh produce and wants to make the world better.  While none of those things are terrible in their own right, I am afraid of the class and size assumptions and stereotypes that go along with those things.  I live in a diverse world, and I don't want my getting fit experience to be with any less of a plurality.

Yet, I am becoming a fit yuppie who buys organic, fresh (and kosher) produce, and I want to make the world a better place.

Do any of you struggle with overcoming your fit stereotypes? 

2010 goals

My goal for 2009 was to lose 52 pounds in 52 weeks.  Weighing in at 175 on the week of my birthday, I am shy of my goal by 12 pounds, yet I am more successful than I ever imagined by virtue of the things I’ve learned in this last year.

Healthy eating simply feels better now than it ever did before.  My body works better after a year of exercise and 40 pound loss.  I feel healthier and happier, and I now am confident that I can create my own path and physique.  I can care and sculpt my body like I would feed and trim a plant.  A simple concept, but until this year, it was completely foreign to me.

In 2009 I started at 215 pounds, size 21, and unhappy with my body.  Now in 2010 I am starting at 175 pounds, size 14, and excited about my body.

I am looking forward to the next year, but I still feel ambivalent about my 2010 goals.    My goal weight (arbitrarily set) is 135 pounds, which is 40 pounds away from what I am at currently.  Part of me feels like I now have more tools than I ever had before, and I should be able to get rid of 40 pounds within six months.  The other part of me remembers than it just took me a year to shed 40 pounds, and I’m afraid that weight loss will become slower the closer I am to my goal weight.  To be completely truthful, I am afraid that I won’t know how to eat at 135 pounds; I have to imagine losing weight at 145 is a lot different than losing it at 215.

Ultimately I know what my goals are, but I don’t know how quick I can achieve them.

My 2010 goals are:

• Lose 40 pounds and be at my goal weight of 135.  (I am most anxious about the next 20 pounds, which will put me at a “healthy” BMI weight)
• Squeeze into a size 8.  I would like to be able to be a size 6, but we’ll see how my body works looks and feels.
• Take a dance class.
• Set a fitness-related goal.  (Maybe train to run a 5K?)
• Learn how to improve my healthy cooking.  I know some recipes, and I would love to learn more and new ones.
• Feel pretty.  I love that clothing options are opening up to me, and I want to explore and take risks with my clothes.  (Also, I am pretty!)
  

What I've gained in 2009

It's almost 2010, which means I have been at this weight loss thing for almost a year! As the year comes to a close, I wanted to do a list of what I've gained in 2009.  On (or maybe the day after) my birthday, which is when I officially began this journey last year, I think I'm going to look at the goals I set for myself, what I achieved, and what the next year has in store for me.


In 2009 I:

• Lost 40 pounds.  Okay, it's not my goal of 52 (which I technically still have a week left to complete), but it's still pretty darn fantastic.  I have lost a total of 50 pounds!
  
  
• Discovered I love to exercise.  When I began this journey, I never expected to enjoy my daily trips to the gym, dance floor, or grassy hiking hill.  I thought exercise is what skinny people did, and I sure as heck don't come from a skinny family - so that sure couldn't be me!  Yet, I really like my early morning routine of dancing on the elliptical.  It's relaxing, helps me focus my day's intentions, and gives me more energy during the day.
  
  
• Learned how to balance carbohydrates, protein, and other nutrients, and learned what a 400 calorie meal looks like.  This is by far the hardest part of this year.  Eating correctly is a huge challenge for me.  My family lives for food, and I definitely appreciate all things unhealthy.  But I've muddled through it by using my calorie counters and trying to make good choices.  It's not going to taste as good as being thin feels.
  
  
• Was inspired.  I am so grateful to have friends on the road with me who inspire me.  Many are also on this weight loss journey, and they have helped and supported me through this all.  And they're all so amazing!
  
  
• Lowered my resting heart rate.  This is simply something I've noticed while on the elliptical - my heart rate has been slowly lowering despite increasingly intense workouts.  I am happy to say my weight loss journey is making me healthier all the way around!
  
  
• Can now shop in "normal" sized stores.  This was a BIG one for me.  I am now the largest size they have, but it doesn't matter!  I am learning to be stylish and appreciate my new shape.  I can't wait to be able to shop at the various San Francisco boutiques!
  
  
• Dropped from a size 21 to size 14.  As the fat has melted away, my curves have become more curvy.  I am now able to shop at the stores, and feel great about my strong body.  I look forward to it being stronger and looking even better.
  
  
• I have collar bones and other hidden features.  Who knew that I was missing parts of my body?  From calves to cheek bones, it's amazing what is coming into focus as I lose weight.  Including a smaller belly button!
  
  
• I feel healthier.  I didn't know that you weren't supposed to have a stomach ache after each meal - I thought that's how your stomach told you that your body was full!  I am learning my body's needs and limits through this process, and it makes me appreciate my flexibility, stamina, strength, balance, and digestion much more than I ever have before.  I simply feel  better and healthier!

I'm off to Michigan for a week to visit family!  Thankfully, I am going to get a week-long pass to the gym, and I hope to maintain my 175 pounds during the week.  I'll try to check in, but no promises.  I will be busy and happy with the family.

Happy new year!

Another day

You know what's great about today?  It's a new day!

I was thinking about overeating yesterday (and, I'll admit it, the day before), and considering not only what I could have done differently, but why it happened.  Most importantly, I think I needed to use my resources and connections.  I should have called S, a friend who has lost 25 pounds in 6 months!  She would have given me a chance to voice my feelings toward food and life, and then talk me out of eating that last soft pretzel.  I also need to be more intentional about food (and life in general).  If I had noticed I was feeling lonely, and that's why I was eating, I would have been able to stop that thought process IN PROCESS, rather than recognizing it during reflection later.  I feel proud that I figured out what caused overeating yesterday, even if it was after the food was consumed.  Recognizing my triggers helps me stop them.  And I haven't had a really fat day in a while.

A Fat Day for me isn't feeling fat, but acting fat.  I sacrificed my body for my emotions yesterday.  I ate until I felt ill (and spent a bitof money doing it) because I felt lonely.  Acting fat is emotional eating mixed with bad food choices, and unhealthy decisions.

Ironically, I didn't need to feel lonely.  I had a support system in place for this exact situation, I just forgot about it and didn't use it.  By being intentional about what I do and think, I hopefully will be able to similar situations.  I am lucky to know who I know, have what I have, and live this great life.

Resources

I read a few weight loss blogs because knowing that others are with me in this journey helps keeps me motivated. My real life weight loss partner, A - for all his loveliness - is a guy who never gave a thought about weight and size until he started losing weight himself. I think it takes a woman's (or attentive guy's) perspective to relate to the years of being fat and not being able to shop in stores, and the yearning to look something closer to the magazine covers than my (at the time) 300 pound mother.

Prior Fat Girl is a blog I've recently begun reading. She loves posting pictures, which is helpful when I don't really want to read content. She's currently doing a giveaway for 101 Things To Do Before You Diet. The book looks like a strategy on how to live a normal life. Many of the fat women I know avoid things just because of their weight. They don't go out shopping, swimming, hiking, or simply out and about with friends. Their shame of self is so overpowering it prevents them from interacting with their community. Yet, these women could be normal and having fun - if they'd let themselves be out there. Being happy and comfortable are the two best gifts you can give yourself, I believe. And you can't be happy without your community. I ultimately believe that the key of weight loss is simply being happy with yourself, and treating your body like the temple it is - and from the little I've seen of this book (reviews, etc.), 101 Things To Do Before You Diet seems to affirm this idea.

I've always been fat. Seriously. Always. It has just been part of who I am. Margee: intelligent, creative, fat. For years and years I wished it was something I could change about myself, but never really believed I could do it.

Looking at my graduation pictures was the first time I realize I was that fat. My internal image of myself was closer to what I look like now (35 pounds later). It occurred to me that I was growing and growing and growing, and it wasn't going to stop unless I was dedicated to myself and made hourly conscious choices and ate better.

May 2008 (225 pounds)

May 2008 (195 pounds)

Gosh, darn. Look at those collar bones! And you can see my face so much better!

Most importantly, though, I can now fit into most department stores clothing sizes. This has been the number one best thing that has happened since losing weight. I'm hopeful (and excited) to see what my face will look like at 163!

Small margin of error

One of the hardest things to do while counting calories is doing just that - counting calories.

Hungry after I had finished my lunch (and given myself 30 minutes to digest), I went scrounging around the farmers' market looking for something to eat. The spinach paratha looked appealing, so I bought it and ate some. The only problem is that sparkpeople doesn't have spinach paratha in its database of calorie counts. It took some googling to find out that my after lunch-lunch was a good choice: only 150 calories in the half a slice I had. Thankfully.

I have finished all my meals with only 92 calories to spare! But 92 calories to spare means I have calories left over - I have finished my day within my margin! Two days of success. That's wonderful news. I am still not getting enough protein in, and I'm not exactly sure how to increase that amount. I don't care for meat that much, and I'm tired of eggs. I think I need to increase my bean consumption (which is currently at zero). If you have any suggestions, I would welcome them.

Operation Beautiful

One of the reasons I use the resources at Calorie Count is because their resources are health-conscious and not demeaning to your body. I believe people are beautiful at every size, and I try to maintain that attitude as I pick resources that help me in my journey.

The Body Positive is a great organization that talks about "Health at every size". Since I've begun being active every day, my resting heart rate has significantly decreased, I can better feel my body (and understand her needs), and I can climb mountains, bike trails, and run races that I never thought possible for my still-overweight body. They reinforce the idea that I don't have to be thin to be fit. Or beautiful.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and am amazed what looks back at me. It's not just my curly hair and hazel eyes that I admire, but also the curve of my hips, the swelling of my smiling cheeks, and my neck that I like. For me, part of losing weight was not only acknowledging that I was unhappy with my current situation, but also that I am beautiful - no matter what.

Operation Beautiful began under this exact premise. You are beautiful - always. I have taken to (under their suggestion) putting sticky notes with loving phrases in random places: bathrooms, office buildings, and most importantly - mirrors. "Smile! You are beautiful. Life is beautiful." "Today is a great day to be YOU - you are amazing and beautiful!" Things like that.

It seems so young to do it, but it also makes me smile, and I love hearing comments. "Did you see the sticky in the bathroom?" someone will ask laughing.

I feel that this post isn't complete without listing the reasons why I am losing weight. It's a long explanation, and I'm going to try to give the short version:

1. First and foremost, I have recently admitted to myself that I want to be "normal". Not average, but able to blend in. I hate feeling that I stick out - the fattest person in the room, the most colorful, etc. - and I want the feeling of just blending.
2. I want to go shopping with my friends and co-workers. I haven't been able to go on a "normal" shopping trip since I was... 14.
3. I want to be more active. It's been nice seeing the improvements of my health and strength as I've gone through this journey.
4. I want to be able to trade clothes with my friends
5. Shoes - my feet are fat like the rest of me. I need wide widths, and rarely shoes fit me.
   
6. Weight loss has increased my self-confidence. It's something that I can accomplish. It's something I am accomplishing
   

A scarcity of abudance

Earlier this week I worked in a "recession relief" food pantry, giving out food to (presumably) families that are in need due to the current economic crisis. We handed out hundreds of pounds of carrots, potatoes, onions, rice, beans, and a variety of other items. What was so depressing, though, is that this food would last a family of four a day - maybe. If a family was in real need, they would have to go hungry, or travel to another food pantry.

The entire situation is sadly ironic.

Here I am, an overweight woman whose main problem is I have too much good food, and I'm volunteering to help those who don't have the beginnings of enough food. As one of my spiritual leaders said recently, "There's a distribution problem."

My main problem with eating is that I binge. I find something delightful (banana chips, ice cream, pasta), and then I eat and eat and eat, until way past the time I am full. Yet there are those in the city I live who don't have enough to eat, much less to get fat on.

I often feel guilty about being fat. There is - of course - the guilt of binging, or the guilt of self-loathing, but there is also the guilt of privileged. With luck of the draw I have the problem of too much food, while - and let me be cliche here - there are children starving in Africa. And San Francisco. And every city. One in eight people are hungry in the United States, and I stand with the growing numbers of obese Americans. Let's hope, not for long...