Internet addict

I never realized how much I depended on the internet until my roommate told me that our internet was as good as a dinosaur: a thing of the past. Without home-access to the glories of blog, calorie counts, my e-mail, I might as well be eating cookies all day.

Three healthy meals a day and two snacks can either mean daily consuming 1400 calories, or 2,000. It’s hard for me to guesstimate until after I’ve entered the calories into SparkPeople. I’m amazed at how quickly everything can add up. Who knew my salad with carrots, garbanzo beans, tomatoes, and chicken – all healthy things – can end up being 450 calories of deliciousness.

I’m trying to cope the best I can, but it’s really hard and I’m not doing so well. Hopefully this problem won’t last too much longer.

I've always been fat. Seriously. Always. It has just been part of who I am. Margee: intelligent, creative, fat. For years and years I wished it was something I could change about myself, but never really believed I could do it.

Looking at my graduation pictures was the first time I realize I was that fat. My internal image of myself was closer to what I look like now (35 pounds later). It occurred to me that I was growing and growing and growing, and it wasn't going to stop unless I was dedicated to myself and made hourly conscious choices and ate better.

May 2008 (225 pounds)

May 2008 (195 pounds)

Gosh, darn. Look at those collar bones! And you can see my face so much better!

Most importantly, though, I can now fit into most department stores clothing sizes. This has been the number one best thing that has happened since losing weight. I'm hopeful (and excited) to see what my face will look like at 163!

I'm going to win this race (against myself), even if it costs me tons of money!

Motivation is the hardest part. Working out in the morning is part of my routine, but it's much harder to make a routine out of eating healthy. To inspire me, I'm creating a chart of "celebrations" for hitting a weight.

Historically, the problem is not believing in myself. I don't believe I am capable of the weight that's right there on the scale. This is in part to natural weight fluctuations. Today the scale told me I was 189.4, but yesterday it told me I was 191.4. But the problem is circular - I don't believe I am that weight, so I am not inspired by myself, so I don't try, and so I end up NOT being that weight.

For these celebrations of weight loss, I am going to count the first time that a number appears on the scale when I weigh myself in the morning. So, today I can celebrate being under 190, despite the fact the cynical part of me believes my weight will shoot up tomorrow.

I have one "celebration" to fill in still (may end up all being manicures!), but here is the chart:

185 - Manicure
180 - Shoe shopping
175 -
170 -Hair coloring (I've never done this before!)
163 - Clothes shopping
155-Massage

My goal is to be 163 by my birthday (52 pounds!). My present to myself for achieving my goal will be a huge shopping spree. If I'm able to drop the 7 extra pounds (my stretch goal) I am going to get a message in addition, which is something I've never done.

I want some gnocci

I wanna eat some crackers and cheese, burrito, sandwich, chips. Anything that's bready and over my calorie limit.

I'm not hungry, I'm just bored and craving. The delicious tea I just had is not improving my mood, just delaying it.

The gum I'm chewing is no substitute for pizza. Noodles would taste really good right now.

I love my job, but I don't work well when I'm not stressed. There's no upcoming events. I don't have any deadlines that come soon. I'm just bored. So I want to eat.

This is the reason I'm overweight. My relationship with food is really fucked up. But I'll get through it. This feeling will pass and I'll make some healthy choices for dinner tonight. Because I can, and I want to.

It won't "taste as good as being thin feels". Oh, my body- and fat-positive friends would be really upset with me if they know this line inspires me. I kind of hate myself for it too. But it does. And I need a mantra right now.

Goal setting --- and making!

By the end of the week I hope to be in the 180s! That rocks it. And all because I kept on my calorie budget last week, and am even getting better at getting more protein. Let's hope I can do the same for this week. I've started out well. Yesterday I ate 9 calories under my budget. :)

Sometimes living California is a pretty awesome thing, including making all restaurants with 20+ chains have calorie counts on their menus. This not only allows me to make healthier choices when I eat out, but some restaurants are changing their menus to have healthier options as a result. I can't wait until this law takes effect. (Additional information here.)

Hungry for change

Maria DeLourdes Oregel hasn't found work since her harvesting job petered out last year, her husband's hours at the local chicken farm have been cut by a third, and even though she feeds her children meat only once a week, she runs out of cash before the end of each month.

She's one of the lucky ones. At least she has a roof and her family has some kind of paycheck.

Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/07/26/MNQ718IAAI.DTL#ixzz0MUGI3eSy

Shake a tail feather

Today's exercise is one of my favorites: dancing. Out for dinner, drinks, and dancing with friends. Hope that the drinks don't negate the dancing, but they may. In SF and wanna come? Just give me a call at (415) 493-8597.

Have a Freakin' Fabulous Friday!