Accountability

When I mess up, I hate to admit it.  I ignore the cupcake, the spilled mess, the unfinished paper.  I walk away from it, and hope no one - including myself - will notice.  The shame of it overcomes me, and hiding never makes it better.


Part of weight loss is being accountable.  It's knowing you messed up, and trying to correct that. But it's also knowing when you totally rocked it.  Roni's Weigh said it well today: 

For so long I thought I had to be perfect which led to dieting to getperfect but once I couldn’t be perfect on said diet I decided it wasn’t worth it at all. If I couldn’t be perfect then why bother? But I wanted to be perfect so I’d start again with a new perfect diet only to discover I couldn’t be perfect yet again. [...]

Since we already owned our UNhealthy habits it’s time to celebrate the healthy ones.  What are you doing right? What do you deserve a pat on the back for? Don’t be afraid to toot your own horn. Owning your accomplishments is JUST as important as recognizing what you need to change.

Well, yesterday I totally rocked it.  I stayed within my calorie range and I barely snacked.  I didn't eat after dinner - when I generally eat my most calories - and reached my calorie-related goals, even though I didn't work out!  It was a fantastic day, and it looks like I'm on the road to another one today.


For the first time in a long while, I feel like this is something I can do.  And that feels amazing.

Another day

You know what's great about today?  It's a new day!

I was thinking about overeating yesterday (and, I'll admit it, the day before), and considering not only what I could have done differently, but why it happened.  Most importantly, I think I needed to use my resources and connections.  I should have called S, a friend who has lost 25 pounds in 6 months!  She would have given me a chance to voice my feelings toward food and life, and then talk me out of eating that last soft pretzel.  I also need to be more intentional about food (and life in general).  If I had noticed I was feeling lonely, and that's why I was eating, I would have been able to stop that thought process IN PROCESS, rather than recognizing it during reflection later.  I feel proud that I figured out what caused overeating yesterday, even if it was after the food was consumed.  Recognizing my triggers helps me stop them.  And I haven't had a really fat day in a while.

A Fat Day for me isn't feeling fat, but acting fat.  I sacrificed my body for my emotions yesterday.  I ate until I felt ill (and spent a bitof money doing it) because I felt lonely.  Acting fat is emotional eating mixed with bad food choices, and unhealthy decisions.

Ironically, I didn't need to feel lonely.  I had a support system in place for this exact situation, I just forgot about it and didn't use it.  By being intentional about what I do and think, I hopefully will be able to similar situations.  I am lucky to know who I know, have what I have, and live this great life.

Fat and lonely

Had a fat day today.  I was about to say unprompted by any emotional trigger, but I realize now I was feeling lonely.  Still not worth the calories, or - more precisely - the feeling of I'm About To Throw Up that excess eating caused. 

I look forward to tomorrow being another day, where I get to make new choices.

For now, I'm just feeling sick and I'm going to bed.

Breaking through my plateau

I really wish I could say that for the past two weeks I've hit a plateau, but that's simply not true. I've been gaining weight. The first few days were entirely my fault - I wasn't eating anywhere near my calorie goal - but then my body just kept gaining after I reigned in my eating. This was really hard for me. I easily resort to self-depreciating "fat thinking", which often motivates me to quit. Despite this, I worked through it, ate and exercised correctly and ... gained weight.

It was so disheartening to see my weight climbing above 180 the morning after I should have seen a half a pound drop (according to calories in-calories out calculation). But I kept on keeping on.

This morning my weight was suddenly back! I am now under 180, again. But I feel as if my body is playing tricks on me.

Yesterday I ate nothing but crap. I had chocolate, cookies, brie (delicious), blue cheese (oh goodness yummy!), some huge burger wrap thing, among others. And this morning is when I saw the loss.

It makes some sort of evil sense, though. As SparkPeople says, when you hit a plateau you can jump start your weight loss by: nutrition, rest, and variation. Maybe the chocolate yesterday was the variation I needed. Plus, I let my body rest and didn't work out, which I've been doing religiously since the gain.

SparkPeople has a lot of great information on their site about fitness in their "Pitfalls and Plateaus Section" other than the plateau 3-part article I mentioned. A few I picked at random: 4 signs It's Time to Change Your Workout, and Are You Cheating Yourself At the Gym?

Resources

I read a few weight loss blogs because knowing that others are with me in this journey helps keeps me motivated. My real life weight loss partner, A - for all his loveliness - is a guy who never gave a thought about weight and size until he started losing weight himself. I think it takes a woman's (or attentive guy's) perspective to relate to the years of being fat and not being able to shop in stores, and the yearning to look something closer to the magazine covers than my (at the time) 300 pound mother.

Prior Fat Girl is a blog I've recently begun reading. She loves posting pictures, which is helpful when I don't really want to read content. She's currently doing a giveaway for 101 Things To Do Before You Diet. The book looks like a strategy on how to live a normal life. Many of the fat women I know avoid things just because of their weight. They don't go out shopping, swimming, hiking, or simply out and about with friends. Their shame of self is so overpowering it prevents them from interacting with their community. Yet, these women could be normal and having fun - if they'd let themselves be out there. Being happy and comfortable are the two best gifts you can give yourself, I believe. And you can't be happy without your community. I ultimately believe that the key of weight loss is simply being happy with yourself, and treating your body like the temple it is - and from the little I've seen of this book (reviews, etc.), 101 Things To Do Before You Diet seems to affirm this idea.

Progress, not perfection

I have been in a really foul mood for the past few weeks. I wish I had one of those bright dispositions, but I was not blessed with enthusiasm of spirit. Having grown up with addicts, and been attracted to memoirs and resources for addiction, I know my self-criticizing sounds very similar to an alcoholic or drug abuser. I eat to quiet the self-criticizing person inside me. This person (let's call her Candice) will quiet down while I enjoy the numbness of feeling that food brings me. The moment I am finished, Candice will be in shock about the amount of food I just ate, and every single mistake I've made that day. Her favorite thing to say to me is, "I hate you." I tell myself this (uh, I guess Candice tells me this) every day. Forgetting to call someone is a hate-worthy offense. So is not doing laundry, not packing my bag the night before, or any of the many ways I am not perfect. Her disgust with me is overpowering, and compels me to quiet her the only way I know how - by eating.

The most common feeling I have toward myself is disgust. I am a perfectionist, and I feel overwhelmingly guilty when I don't get everything done perfectly the first time. When I think about my weight loss, I think about the slowness of this year rather than the fact that I've lost almost 40 pounds, 30 of which has been since January 2009! I worry about reaching my goal of 52 pounds by my birthday. I don't celebrate the fact that I am much smaller than I used to be, because in my mind that progress doesn't matter; only my failures matter.

A friend of mine - who has had a much more successful weight loss journey than I have had - told me his family had a saying. "Progress, not perfection." I'd really like to adopt this saying, but Candice is there laughing her ass off; I have been at the same weight for the last month or two. What progress?

I know I should celebrate my accomplishments, but I'm having a really hard time of smiling and being the passionate girl I used to be. Quieting Candice with food at least made me able to focus on other things than my self improvement. At least then, while I wasn't happier, I was having a lot more fun.

Fat of July

My father was the first person I remember who told me I was fat. Coming home from my first week of second grade at a new school, frustrated by my social ineptitude that I learned from my chronically-depressed dad, I shyly mentioned that I hadn’t made friends yet.

“Yeah, it’s hard being the chubby kid,” my dad remembered from his childhood. “Does anyone else have a few extra pounds in your class?”

My dad was the first one to tell me I was fat, but that time in second grade was not the last time. He made frequent references to the fact that I was “chubby”. It wasn’t until I grew older and looked back on school pictures that I realized it wasn’t until years later – after my self-esteemed around my body had been entirely eliminated – that my cheeks became much rounder.

But it’s not my father’s fault I’m fat. I’m fat because food is my addiction.

Over the 4th of July I went to a party my parents’ friends were throwing. I’ve never been the best at socializing (see above), and don’t know how to relate to all these older parents. I calmed and distracted myself by frequent trips to go get something to eat, despite the fact that I was the opposite of hungry.

I have to count calories to contain my eating habits. Eating as I should has trained my body in new ways. I now feel sick after binging on ice cream, which is a completely new phenomenon. The moment I stop counting calories, though, I often go over the top. I had four hotdogs during the Fourth of July, along with all the potato salads, noodle salads, chips, etc. Nervous and without anything to do, I choose my addiction – eating.

When I count calories, I most often stay under the 1500 calorie limit. I often stop doing this because I don’t know how to correctly enter the food I’m eating into Spark People. Or because I don’t want to know. My mother can eat whatever she wants practically, because of her weight-loss surgery, so when I come home we eat delicious home cooked dishes that I could never make at home. In my excitement to have something so luscious in my mouth, I overeat.

My relationship with food is unhealthy at best, and part of this adventure is to learn new ways of approaching food. Shelia is an inspiration. She has been able to control her appetite by slowly transitioning her relationship with food and easing her body into enjoying the healthy stuff. I look forward to the day where – not only do I get sick from the bad food, as I do now, but – I want the good food in portion-controlled measurements.