Looking in the mirror

Kate and I are going to Hawaii for our honeymoon.  It's going to be fun and relaxing.  And it requires a swimsuit.

At Target, Kate was looking at the two piece swimsuits.  I was in my head, wishing I could wear one too and damning the swimsuit manufacturers that don't make sexy one-piece suits.  Kate tried on a couple and looked good (of course).  I tried on two and looked in the mirror horrified.

I look in a mirror daily before I leave for work or weekend fun.  My mirror only looks at the top half of me, though.  The floor-length Target dressing room mirror showed me everything.

I am too snug in my clothes and don't look or feel the way I want, but I think of my "fat days" as behind me.  I think of this time as the "after" time, the healthier time.  The time when I know how to make good choices and have the tools to make my life healthier.

The Target mirror disagreed.  The Target mirror focused on my huge thighs, my heavy stomach, my flabby arms.  Normally I can focus on my beautiful hair, my lovely face, my nice curves.  But in that dressing room, more undressed than dressed, I suddenly felt like I had uncovered the "fat girl" that I had been hiding from myself.

Between Kate, a hurt ankle, and an overwhelmed schedule I haven't been able to exercise.  This week's food has been much better than last week's (and the week before).  I feel like I can return to the healthy habits of before.  Maybe not lose two pounds a week, but definitely lose rather than gain.

My current rules in Health Month are: tracking dinner before bed (5 days a week), stay under my calorie count (4 days a week), and drink at least 35 glasses of water a week.  Tracking dinner before bed has helped me significantly, since that's when I normally binge.  Staying under my calorie count 4 days a week is a struggle, especially without exercise, but I can do it.

The thing is, I can do it.  I just need to be dedicated.  Before, I didn't really have anything to be dedicated about.  Kate thinks I'm beautiful, I normally think I'm okay looking, and well - that's what matters, right?  But now I don't feel beautiful, and I am sure dedicated to changing that.

So, Target mirror, one day soon in the future, when we meet again, I am going to beat you.

Another day

You know what's great about today?  It's a new day!

I was thinking about overeating yesterday (and, I'll admit it, the day before), and considering not only what I could have done differently, but why it happened.  Most importantly, I think I needed to use my resources and connections.  I should have called S, a friend who has lost 25 pounds in 6 months!  She would have given me a chance to voice my feelings toward food and life, and then talk me out of eating that last soft pretzel.  I also need to be more intentional about food (and life in general).  If I had noticed I was feeling lonely, and that's why I was eating, I would have been able to stop that thought process IN PROCESS, rather than recognizing it during reflection later.  I feel proud that I figured out what caused overeating yesterday, even if it was after the food was consumed.  Recognizing my triggers helps me stop them.  And I haven't had a really fat day in a while.

A Fat Day for me isn't feeling fat, but acting fat.  I sacrificed my body for my emotions yesterday.  I ate until I felt ill (and spent a bitof money doing it) because I felt lonely.  Acting fat is emotional eating mixed with bad food choices, and unhealthy decisions.

Ironically, I didn't need to feel lonely.  I had a support system in place for this exact situation, I just forgot about it and didn't use it.  By being intentional about what I do and think, I hopefully will be able to similar situations.  I am lucky to know who I know, have what I have, and live this great life.

Fat and lonely

Had a fat day today.  I was about to say unprompted by any emotional trigger, but I realize now I was feeling lonely.  Still not worth the calories, or - more precisely - the feeling of I'm About To Throw Up that excess eating caused. 

I look forward to tomorrow being another day, where I get to make new choices.

For now, I'm just feeling sick and I'm going to bed.

I am no longer obese

Back in July I created rewards for myself. Every time I drop 5 pounds I get something fun. To prove how slow my progress is, this weekend was my first reward - a manicure. And to add to the joy, at 184 pounds, I am no longer obese! I weighed in at 185.0 on Friday and rewarded myself, and hopped on the scale on Monday to see a beautiful non-obese weight. I will hopefully hit "Healthy" right after my birthday (154 pounds).

I know that the BMI index is not accurate for everyone, especially not the muscled and fit people in our lives. Yet, I find it a helpful metric. As someone who has been fat my entire life, I have no concept of healthy for my body. I only know how to be fat. But finally - for the first time in my life - I am no longer obese! I am pretty excited. Now I'm just "over weight". I'm pretty sure the BMI was set up to make women feel lousy (over weight? really? I just dropped 40 pounds!), but all the same I'm dancing in my seat.

Fat of July

My father was the first person I remember who told me I was fat. Coming home from my first week of second grade at a new school, frustrated by my social ineptitude that I learned from my chronically-depressed dad, I shyly mentioned that I hadn’t made friends yet.

“Yeah, it’s hard being the chubby kid,” my dad remembered from his childhood. “Does anyone else have a few extra pounds in your class?”

My dad was the first one to tell me I was fat, but that time in second grade was not the last time. He made frequent references to the fact that I was “chubby”. It wasn’t until I grew older and looked back on school pictures that I realized it wasn’t until years later – after my self-esteemed around my body had been entirely eliminated – that my cheeks became much rounder.

But it’s not my father’s fault I’m fat. I’m fat because food is my addiction.

Over the 4th of July I went to a party my parents’ friends were throwing. I’ve never been the best at socializing (see above), and don’t know how to relate to all these older parents. I calmed and distracted myself by frequent trips to go get something to eat, despite the fact that I was the opposite of hungry.

I have to count calories to contain my eating habits. Eating as I should has trained my body in new ways. I now feel sick after binging on ice cream, which is a completely new phenomenon. The moment I stop counting calories, though, I often go over the top. I had four hotdogs during the Fourth of July, along with all the potato salads, noodle salads, chips, etc. Nervous and without anything to do, I choose my addiction – eating.

When I count calories, I most often stay under the 1500 calorie limit. I often stop doing this because I don’t know how to correctly enter the food I’m eating into Spark People. Or because I don’t want to know. My mother can eat whatever she wants practically, because of her weight-loss surgery, so when I come home we eat delicious home cooked dishes that I could never make at home. In my excitement to have something so luscious in my mouth, I overeat.

My relationship with food is unhealthy at best, and part of this adventure is to learn new ways of approaching food. Shelia is an inspiration. She has been able to control her appetite by slowly transitioning her relationship with food and easing her body into enjoying the healthy stuff. I look forward to the day where – not only do I get sick from the bad food, as I do now, but – I want the good food in portion-controlled measurements.