It's a journey

It's a journey, and yesterday I fell into the metaphoric mud.  Not so badly that I broke anything, but enough that my pants got stained.  And I knew it was coming.

After celebrating my accomplishment - being in my calorie range for the first time in a long while - I knew a bad day was next.  It's just how it goes with me.  I'll do great one day, and poorly the next.  Too much coffee, a free bagel bar, and a long conference later, I was picking myself up from the mud.

Even though I missed my work out this morning, today has the potential to totally rock.  Being engaged has been very hard on my routine.  I have not yet figured out how to motivate myself enough to leave a beautiful woman behind in bed next to me.  Instead, I packed my gym clothes "to go" and I'm going to hit the gym after work.

I talked with a colleague of mine yesterday, who found running during her weight loss journey.  She said that finishing a race makes you feel like you can do anything in the world.  After reading A Merry Life's triathlon journey, I am feeling inspired.  I put the Couch to 5k podcast on my iPod.  Running has always been hard for me, but I want to feel that sense of accomplishment, feel like I can complete something.  I'm going to see how it goes for me at the gym today, and see if a 5k might be in my future.

The only problem with running is that it doesn't nearly burn as many calories as other aerobic activities.  With those wedding pictures looming in my future, it definitely feels like a race to the (weight loss) finish.  Then again, I have been maintaining my weight, and a goal might be just the thing to tip the scales, so to speak.

The tools of the trade

After yesterday's crazy weigh-in of 5 pounds in one week, I wrote this list of the tools that I need to use to actually lose weight.  

The tools I need for success:

1. Routine - This morning I got up early and went to the gym.  It was amazing and great.  I love being out as the world begins to wake up, and starting my morning off right.  I've somehow misplaced my iPod, but hope it turns up.  All the same, my morning work out routine begins my day right with focusing on being healthy.
• Daily weigh-ins
• Weekly blog weigh-ins
• Morning gym routine
2. Lose a pound a week  - This is tied with the next thing - small, achievable goals - but I need a realistic larger goal too.  I also need to feel like I'm a success
• If my weight really is 176.0, I want to be 170.0 by October 1
3. Small, achievable goals with a method - This is the only way I can loose weight.  I know that if I have a measurable goal, it makes slip-ups manageable and doesn't make me feel like a failure.  To lose a pound a week, I need to be at a 500 daily calorie deficit.  (A pound is 3,500 calories, divided by 7 days.)  I naturally burn 1,900 calories a day without exercise, so I need to eat 1,400 calories a day to create a 500 calorie deficit.  
• Lose a pound a week, 170.0 by October 1
• Maintain an average 500 calorie daily deficit
• Eat four 300-400 calorie meals a day
• Eat between 1,400 and 1,700 calories a day, depending on exercise
• Plan meals ahead
4. Make healthy choices - This is the hardest one by far.  There is no tool for this one, there's on my inner psyche.  I make healthy choices by prioritizing myself, which I do by sticking to everything I wrote above.

Weekly Weigh-In (176.0)

Current weight: 176.0
Week's weight lost: +5.2
Total weight loss: 50.4


A five pound gain in a week?  I'm not even sure what to say.  Yeah, this week hasn't been my greatest for healthy eating, but five pounds is unbelievable.  Or maybe it's just a wake up call.


I have been haphazardly tracking my calories.  I have meal goals (300-400 calories), but I am not accountable to them.  I've been practicing the general goal of "LOSE WEIGHT" rather than "lose weight by doing x, y, and z".  I've realized I need at least an a, b, and c.  I need small, achievable goals and know how I am going to get success.


So I'm going to prioritize myself among the stress and new situations, and create these goals.  I realized that I've been feeling like my life isn't in control, so I couldn't prioritize myself among the wedding planning, crazy schedule, and Lovely Lady.  But it is in my control.  I can choose to prioritize myself.  And I'm very lucky to have a supportive Lovely Lady who encourages me to do what I want for my body.  

Emotional eating, soothing excercise

While my morning rituals (wake up early, step on scale, go to the gym, eat at work) have been decimated over the past few months, I am slowly going through the destruction and picking up the pieces.  Stepping on the scale was one of those pieces I've been collecting the last week or two. But this morning I didn't even bother.

Last night I woke up with such extreme anxiety that after an hour of tossing and turning, I decided to get up and be productive.  I have never had problems sleeping - light, noise, environment - nothing bothers me.  After an hour and a half, I started eating, hoping the food in my stomach would numb the wedding-related terror.  (Lovely Lady and I are looking at venues this weekend, and I feel so unprepared!)

It was a food storm.  And this morning, I didn't step on the scale.

But this morning was the first morning that I went to the gym in a long time.  After my last post I realized that I need my morning routine back.  It was a glorious morning at the gym.  Normally I play fast music and try to keep up.  After last night, though, I wasn't prepared to sweat my heart out like that.  Instead, I played some soothing music and just went at my own pace.  It was just perfect - relaxing, endorphin-producing, moved my body, and got me out of bed.

Goals, goals, goals

I love living with my Lovely Lady, and I love being with her every second we're both free.  We have packed schedules and don't spend nearly as much time together as we would like.  And we have very different natural schedules.  The Lovely Lady is somewhat a perfectionist, and is willing to go to bed at 3 a.m. to get things done. I, on the other hand, like to be asleep by 10:30.  Sadly, we've been compromising by going to bed around 1:30.

My weight loss has been stagnant for awhile - even before the Lovely Lady and I were involved - not least of which is because I had already begun going to sleep much later.  Amazing Dane Findley (family friend, and productive guru extrordinaire) is doing a 4:15 Experiment - where he's going to wake up at 4:15 for 30 consecutive days in a row to increase his productivity.  The extremism of the experiment wouldn't work for me (4:30 every day!  Yowzers!) - I need much more flexibility in my life - but I'm tempted to try a similar change in my own life.  I used to be able to leave the house at 7 a.m. without much problem, and I would like to do that again sometime soon.

Committing to early mornings means that I need to spend less time with Kate, sadly.  For the past few months, that wasn't a decision I was willing to make.  As my life is getting crazier, though, I'm really missing the self-care time morning workouts allow me.

If it's not part of my routine, it doesn't get done, which is part of the reason I haven't made it to the gym very often these past few months.  I need to make weight loss, eating healthy, and the gym a priority, but that's so hard right now because I'm so in love....

February Goals

I can't believe it's already February!  I'm still adjusting to the fact that it's no longer 2009!

Every new month is a time to evaluate my goals and progress.  By looking at a month at a time, it's much easier for me to see that I am losing weight, even if that particular week was a gain.  (Thankfully, not this week!)

I am right on track. I've never been right on track EVER before on my weight loss journey.  It feels amazing.  So my goals for February are simple: to stay on track!

February goals:

1. (Continue to) Lose a pound a week.  That will put me at 167 on March 1st.  Wow!  At 171 this is a completely new weight for me, and I love being here.  I can't imagine what it'll feel like to be in the 160s!
2. Eat more homemade foods.  I've been trying to eat less processed foods.  I've made tomato soup for this week's lunches, and last week was homemade butternut squash soup.  I would like to continue to eat non-Trader Joe's frozen foods for the rest of the month's lunches.
3. Eat within my calorie limit.  This is always the hardest for me.  I would like to have one week - a whole seven days - where I stay in my calorie range.  I think that's too big of a goal for me at this point, though.  So my February goal is to have three consecutive days where I eat within my calorie range. 

Planning

My weight loss journey has been successful for one reason: I plan.

I plan my work outs, I plan what food I'm going to eat, and I plan my weight loss goals.

I finished my 2010 calendar, and it looks like October 11th is going to be a big day for me.  If I lose 1 pound a week, that is the week I'll be at my goal weight.  I hope to be able to lose closer to 2 pounds a week, but I know the weight loss fluctuates because I am human.  But a 1 pound a week loss is a very reasonable expectation, and it should be possible for me to reach this goal.  Very exciting!

2010 goals

My goal for 2009 was to lose 52 pounds in 52 weeks.  Weighing in at 175 on the week of my birthday, I am shy of my goal by 12 pounds, yet I am more successful than I ever imagined by virtue of the things I’ve learned in this last year.

Healthy eating simply feels better now than it ever did before.  My body works better after a year of exercise and 40 pound loss.  I feel healthier and happier, and I now am confident that I can create my own path and physique.  I can care and sculpt my body like I would feed and trim a plant.  A simple concept, but until this year, it was completely foreign to me.

In 2009 I started at 215 pounds, size 21, and unhappy with my body.  Now in 2010 I am starting at 175 pounds, size 14, and excited about my body.

I am looking forward to the next year, but I still feel ambivalent about my 2010 goals.    My goal weight (arbitrarily set) is 135 pounds, which is 40 pounds away from what I am at currently.  Part of me feels like I now have more tools than I ever had before, and I should be able to get rid of 40 pounds within six months.  The other part of me remembers than it just took me a year to shed 40 pounds, and I’m afraid that weight loss will become slower the closer I am to my goal weight.  To be completely truthful, I am afraid that I won’t know how to eat at 135 pounds; I have to imagine losing weight at 145 is a lot different than losing it at 215.

Ultimately I know what my goals are, but I don’t know how quick I can achieve them.

My 2010 goals are:

• Lose 40 pounds and be at my goal weight of 135.  (I am most anxious about the next 20 pounds, which will put me at a “healthy” BMI weight)
• Squeeze into a size 8.  I would like to be able to be a size 6, but we’ll see how my body works looks and feels.
• Take a dance class.
• Set a fitness-related goal.  (Maybe train to run a 5K?)
• Learn how to improve my healthy cooking.  I know some recipes, and I would love to learn more and new ones.
• Feel pretty.  I love that clothing options are opening up to me, and I want to explore and take risks with my clothes.  (Also, I am pretty!)
  

Goal weight

One of the big reasons I love losing weigh is all the clothes I now can fit into. There is still more to come (e.g. boutiques which offer clothes only in smaller sizes), but it's been an exciting process. I also have loved how much healthier I look and feel.

With all these small goals and changes in my life - daily exercise, shopping at "normal" shops, eating healthier - I haven't devoted too much thought to what my final goal weight. As someone who has never been thin in my life, I have no idea what I will look like at 160 pounds, much less 140. I have never tried on a size 12 dress, nor have I ever fit in a medium shirt.

I have arbitrarily picked 135 as my goal weight. It's somewhere between the low (114) and high (154) of the healthy part of my BMI chart. I don't necessarily have a desire to be a size 2 (and I don't think I could sustain that), but I want to be far enough from the high end of the BMI chart to have some breathing room. Maybe I'll be really happy at 150, or it might be 120. I simply have no clue and I can't wait to find out in the coming year.

Kristen over at Low Fat Dressing talked about this some on her Monday post. This is the first time I've felt that I have a choice in what my body looks like. I have all these options, and I can't wait to "try" them on. I look forward to being in Kristen's shoes, where I actively like my body, not just accept and love its functions. I want to be able to know what my preferred shape looks like, instead of simply having an idea in my head. What an exciting journey!

Redefining goals

50 pounds gone! Of that, I lost 40 pounds since the beginning of this year.

With only a few weeks left until my birthday, I've realized that I won't be able to meet my goal of 52 pounds in 52 weeks, which is okay. This year has been a huge learning experience for me, and it took me some time to understand the tools at my disposal and properly use them. I will feel like a superstar if I'm 175 on my birthday, which I'm less than a pound from right now.

I've been trying to decide what I will do with my next year. Will I continue the pound a week challenge until I hit my goal weight (around 135), or should I continue to try to lose 1.5-2 pounds a week? I am so eager to be on the "healthy" spectrum on the BMI chart, I can barely wait. A little more than 20 pounds to go!

I am no longer obese

Back in July I created rewards for myself. Every time I drop 5 pounds I get something fun. To prove how slow my progress is, this weekend was my first reward - a manicure. And to add to the joy, at 184 pounds, I am no longer obese! I weighed in at 185.0 on Friday and rewarded myself, and hopped on the scale on Monday to see a beautiful non-obese weight. I will hopefully hit "Healthy" right after my birthday (154 pounds).

I know that the BMI index is not accurate for everyone, especially not the muscled and fit people in our lives. Yet, I find it a helpful metric. As someone who has been fat my entire life, I have no concept of healthy for my body. I only know how to be fat. But finally - for the first time in my life - I am no longer obese! I am pretty excited. Now I'm just "over weight". I'm pretty sure the BMI was set up to make women feel lousy (over weight? really? I just dropped 40 pounds!), but all the same I'm dancing in my seat.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can

Just like The Little Engine That Could, I am going to make it to the top of the mountain.

I have been worried I won’t be able to make my goal - losing 52 pounds in 52 weeks. I am currently behind, and I have been afraid I wouldn’t be able to make up the lost time. I know that I can’t lose more than two pounds in a week. I did the math this morning, and it’s still something I can accomplish if I stay on my program until my birthday, which is something I NEED to do for myself. I must lose 24 pounds in 13 weeks. I know I can do this, and I can’t wait to see 185.4 on the scale next Monday!

Last week I went shopping for new clothes. I haven’t updated my wardrobe since I was 215 pounds and I’m starting to look sloppily dressed. I went shopping with a co-worker who can easily shop at any store in the mall. We went to H & M, who has discontinued their in-store size 16. I had been very proud to be able to shop at (selected) shops in the mall, and it was disconcerting to me that I could no longer comfortably fit into their pants. While depressing, it was motivating in a lot of ways. It gave me a shot of what I am missing by being overweight, and what I can accomplish – and just by the end of the year! I can do this!

Morning weigh ins

Yesterday I stayed within my calorie goals, and this morning I woke up to a .8 pound loss. This isn't uncommon for me. If I've had a long time since I've stayed in my calorie counting goals (it's been awhile), then I will see an immediate loss.

Today I've successfully stayed in my calorie goal again! I'm really excited to see what tomorrow morning's weigh-in will look like.

Tan, tall, and THIN

I have returned from the land of long legs, blond hair, and small waists. I loved Southern California, but I ostentatiously don't fit in. Not only do I have a higher BMI than a very, very large majority of the population, but my dark, curly hair and one-piece bathing suit was like someone yelling "ABNORMAL" constantly. I just didn't fit in.

One of the graces of Northern California generally, and San Francisco specifically, is that there is no "normal". Sure, hipsters dominate the city, but so do hippies, business people, and children of all ages. Makeup is neither mandatory nor extraordinary. And heels are a nice addition to an outfit, but not an expectation to every outfit.

I never before have felt so darn fat as I have in Southern California. Everyone looks awfully similar, and I don't fit that mold. It is nice to return to Nor Cal where the body mold is thrown away and replaced with a political agenda.

I'm happy to say that I achieved my goal: I did not gain weight while on vacation. The constant activity (boogie boarding, biking, hiking) combined with healthy restaurant eating proved a success. The success ended last night when I overate. I lost a pound on vacation, and in one day I gained that pound back.

Despite the pound I gained back last night, I am resolute this morning in being successful this week. I begin at 193.0, and by the end of the week I'd like to lose 1.5 to 2 pounds. (My goal is 2, but I want to be realistic that sticking to a program is hard work.) The only way I know to actually lose weight is to track my food. So far this morning that has been successful, including not eating a cupcake that looked delicious because it wasn't in my calorie plan. By making the commitment to track everything I put in my mouth (no matter if it's in my plan or not), I keep myself motivated to make better choices.