Inspiration from others

Mary, who blogs over at A Merry Life, has been talking a lot lately about emotions, therapy, and binge eating- and how they relate to one another.  As I struggle with motivation for weight loss - which also relates to motivation to move forward in my life - I also struggle with late night binge eating.  Eating and eating because I like the taste and textures in my mouth.  I don't binge like I used to, there is some more restraint now than there was before, but last night I ate almost half a pound of (delicious) pasta.  I just didn't want to stop, because it was so delicious.


I don't really have any ability to be self-reflective about it right now, besides that I agree with Mary: emotions and binge eating are related.  Except binge eating is also my mechanism for curing boredom.  I just don't know, and I just want to be done with unhealthy eating.  I'm going to steal Janetha's wisdom of the day:

“Do something about it. When something is troubling you, make the commitment to change it. Then begin to act on that decision right away. Some of the influences in your life are under your control, and many of those influences are outside your control. Yet you can always decide upon and put into action a positive response to anything.

Don’t sit around being amazed at how miserable you are and at how unfairly life is treating you. Instead, be amazed at how quickly and effectively you can do something about it.

Don’t complain to others about how tough it is for you. Instead, inspire them with your positive and enthusiastic attitude and actions.

When the world feels all wrong, that’s a valuable signal. It’s your way of telling yourself to get going and make a difference.

You have plenty of good options if you’ll simply make the effort to find them. Pick the best one, get busy putting it into action, and take positive control of your world.”

-Ralph Marston

Why lose weight?

Before Kate, I wanted to lose weight to have someone hot to date.  After dating and then marrying Kate, it appears that not all hot girls and guys need someone thin in return.   Ever since falling madly in love, the drive for weight loss has diminished.  It feels shocking, but Kate loves me just as I am.  So, why lose weight?

My thighs are competing for the finish line, one big mass fighting for space against the other.  There is too much fat for them to co-exist peacefully, so my legs are constantly warring between themselves.  My body is lethargic and I have a constant ache in the small of my back.  Most of all, I am unhappy with how my body looks and feels.  Yet, all of this doesn’t motivate me to eat healthily. 

But today it struck me, eating unhealthy makes me unhappy.  I am good at making choices that make me happy, except around food.  That instantaneous relief floods over me, and my regret at my weight doesn’t seem to correlate with catharsis eating.  But I don’t want to be unhappy, and that’s what unhealthy eating compels me towards.

I feel like I have a new motivational tool against binge eating (all I did this weekend), a reason why I should put down the carb and pick up a book.  All too often I don’t have a compelling reason to be healthier, but my happiness is a priority, and I want to be a happier person.

This analysis is brought to you by this week’s gain:

Weight: 206.0

Week’s weight loss: +.4

Total weight loss: -.2

Evening snacking

My evenings have lately been filled with TV and snacks.  Even though I know it's not healthy for me - physically or mentally - after I return from work I simply don't want to think or do anything.  So we put up an episode of Ugly Betty and eat some popcorn or - like last night - cinnamon toast crunch.

This needs to stop.  It doesn't make me happy.  It doesn't make me healthy.  And it doesn't make me feel refreshed, which is the point of sitting down and resting.  I just don't know how to fill my evenings lately, and it's resulted in a lot of TV, even though there are so many things still left over to do from the wedding.

So, tonight: I will not watch TV.  I will go outside and do something active, even if it's just walking around.  I will be productive.  And that will make me happy (and healthy!)

Weekend binge

This weekend, I got really stressed out about our upcoming move.  Coupled with the lack of sleep, I did not take very good care of my body this weekend.  I ate too much, and I thought about how it was self-destructive the whole time.  But I did it, it's done, and now let's move on.

My work out this morning was hard.  It was really warm, my iPod's gone (stolen) and I am sleep deprived from this weekend. My weight's up considerably, and I'm feeling unprepared for the week.  I made lasagna for lunch, and I calculated the calories after it was in the oven - 500 calories per slice!  Not the best ever.  But it's full of veggies and extra, super delicious.

But it's a new work week, and I can make healthy decisions from here on out!

Cinnamon buns

I know I want to live a healthy life, but with all the stress of this weekend, I have to say - eating just makes me feel better.  I can't exercise because of my ankle, and I'm afraid to look at the scale.  In the meantime, I'm stuffing things in my face like there's no tomorrow.

But it really does make me feel better.

Happy Valentine's Day (the day after)

Valentine's Day doesn't hold much significance to me or my fiancee, so our celebration was minimal.  I was reading Ninety Percent's blog post on V Day, and it made me feel like I had missed out on the lovey dovey holiday.  Kate knows I love and adore her, but what about all my great, amazing friends?  My family?  Maybe they deserve some blue cheese mac & cheese too.

Speaking of our V Day meal, goodness I overate yesterday!  Between the ice cream, tons of mac & cheese, and the chocolate, I don't believe I will get a loss this week.  Plus, I can't exercise right now due to my ankle, so I think I simply need to accept that fact, move on, and eat as healthy as I can for the rest of the week.  For lunch today, I ate rice and a boca burger rather than the DELICIOUS leftover mac & cheese we have in our fridge right now.

I'm halfway through the month, and I have a little more than half (6/10) my life points left on Health Month.  My three rules are:

1) Exercise for 30 minutes at least 4 times a week
2) Stay under my recommended calorie count at least 4 times a week
3) Don't snack after dinner.  3 times a week.

It's a challenging month, for sure, but having these rules 4 times a week rather than 5 (like I did last month) means I know I can accomplish my goals.  I'm glad to have this last week behind me, and for today to start the next week in my journey.  I think my goal will be to lose up to 1 life point.  Let's see if I can do it.

Weekly Weigh-In (188.2)

Current weight: 188.2
Week's weight loss: +2.6Total weight loss: 38.2


I'm going to say that last week is now behind me, and this week will bring on massive weight loss.  The scale may be reading muscle mass, or typical weight changes, or it might be reflecting on the not-so-stellar eating habits I've developed since I was sick.  


Yesterday I didn't eat that well (hello, Chipotle!), but I did lace up my running shoes and hit the pavement for my final run of my first week of the Couch to 5k program.  It was so much easier to do this run - only my third run this year - than it was two weeks ago for the exact same run.  My legs don't hurt today, and I'm excited to run again tomorrow.


Normally I let "bad" days be begones, but it's good for me to reflect on how I can improve upon my slip-ups.  I need something to keep me accountable, in a way that SparkPeople just doesn't inspire me to do.  So, before playing Health Month this morning, I went back to SparkPeople to log all my calories for the day.  HM helps me keep accountable.  I don't know why their system makes compels me to track more and be honest - with myself and the game - but it does, and I really love it for that.  I do wish there was an easier way to be accountable to others as well, and make it more social.


This week is going to rock, I just know it.  I'm going to start on the second week of my 5k program tomorrow, and I can't wait.  I'm amazed by how much I have fallen in love with running.  Who knew?

Picking myself up and feeling empowered

I've been sick with a cold the last few days, and it sucked.  I finally feel more myself today, and I'm excited to go back to work tomorrow.  I began cleaning up my "sick area" (the couch), and there were so many dishes, teas, cups, and a whole empty box of EmergenC scattered around.  I sure had a party over there, while watching TV, and stuffing my face.

But I'm back from that overeating extravaganza.  I got up at noon today, after calling in sick this morning (and finding my bed again), and after I lazed around for a bit I felt much more energized than I did all week.  My head didn't feel it was on backwards anymore after I took the morning slowly.  At 5 p.m. I decided that I was indeed well enough to try for a run, which is all I've wanted to do for the last week.

And boy did I run!  My last run was on a treadmill, but this time I just ran through the park by our house.  I never realized before just how powerful my body was.  My legs carried me so far so quickly - it felt amazing.  When I'm running a treadmill, I don't see the trees and people whizzing by.  The 60 second runs were a lot more interesting to me than my 90 second walks, and I was eager to hit that 90 seconds so I could again let the world whiz by.

I came home winded, but so glad I went out running.  I feel guilty for not going to work today.  If I can run, I can work, you know?  But I didn't really feel okay until late afternoon.  I'm glad that I took the day to get better, and I'm glad that I did the 2.5 mile run.  I mean, I RAN 2.5 MILES!  That's so cool!  I'm so amazed by what my body can do.

Food choices

Bad food day today.  I'm at a calorie deficit of 200, when my goal is 1100!  But tomorrow is another (long) day, and I'm going to try my hardest to work out.  I think I may work out before lunch.  It's going to be an 11 hour day otherwise, since I haven't been taking lunches lately because I'm so busy.  So I'll take an hour and a half lunch and look radiant for the last half of my day. 

This is okay.  Tomorrow is a new day, and in the meantime I have a job I adore.  (I've been eating to help me get the writing flowing for my five minutes speech to the Board tomorrow.  Very excited!)

I am not my friend

I am the worst friend to myself.  I am constantly critiquing and judging myself, and I rarely give myself encouragement besides the forced-feeding every time I realize I'm being negative, and I try to retroactively say something positive instead.

And it's been even worse lately.  I simply haven't been caring about much of anything, and as someone who is normally passionate and excited by life, this has led to some dismal weight-loss and self-confidence efforts.

I've been trying to change my internal dialogue for years now, and it goes slowly.  I often say "I love you" to myself, which makes me feel silly.  Yet, I feel just fine with the onslaught of "I hate you"s that is in constant repetition in my head, in reference to every small thing I've ever miss-done, even years later.

Last night, like many nights before, I completely binged.  Despite the fact that I had "wasted" my calories by 5 p.m. (oh delicious cookies!), it was a frustrating day and hunger remained.  So I ate.  I didn't eat anything too calorie extravagant - gnocci, 100 calorie ice cream, a Cliff bar - but more calories than I would have at a normal meal, and many more calories than I had budgeted for in the day.

Ironically, this morning I woke up sick (head cold), the scale was up 1.2 pounds, and I was late; and this morning I felt better than I have all week.  I felt my energy back and I felt the sun shine on me.  (Literally - it's finally sunny after days of rain.)  And I know that I will win this journey, even if the scale is not kind to me, even if I am not always kind to myself, and even if I mess up.  I will continue to try, and that's all that matters.

Weekly weign in

I'm going to skip my weekly weigh-in this week.  I never do this, but I'm simply too embarrassed/in disbelief over the weight I saw this morning.  I'll let you know next week where I stand.

In the meantime, my embarrassment has proven to be an effective motivating tool.  I have planned out my week and seem to be on the right track.  I am trying to stay motivated, but it's hard when I'm starting to feel like I have a "normal" body.  But I'm not yet in the healthy range, and I'm still not thrilled with how my body looks.  I know it's unusual, but I like my body more when I'm standing naked in front of my mirror in the morning than I do after all the layers of clothes I put on.  Those curves are proof of all my hard work, and that gets hidden under the shirts and pant.

But sometimes I need a reminder that I'm not yet done with this work.  I yearn for a day when my legs don't rub, and I don't need to wear tights or leggings to make a dress comfortable.  I want to be able to be a healthy weight.  I want to be HOT, not just beautiful.  This can only be attained if I watch what I eat.  I CAN DO IT!!!  IT REALLY IS WHAT I WANT!!!

Weekly weigh in (171.8) and diet

Last week's weight: 171.0
This week's weight: 171.8
This week's weight lost: +.8
Total weight lost: 54.6

I was in the 160s last week, and I'm again 2 pounds away from that goal.  While frustrating, I feel less bothered by it than I would in other weeks.  I'm eager to again get on my goal line (I would need to be 170.0 today), but - I hate to admit this - I don't care.

I want to lose weight.  I want to be a smaller size.  I want to get to my goal weight.  But I'm also so tired of tracking my calories.  I'm tired of caring about weight loss.  I know that the only thing that keeps me on track is watching my calories, and I've been slacking on that.  I need to get re-motivated. 

The first two weeks after my injury, I was motivated because I knew I simply had to stay within my calorie budget to loose weight.  It was something new, but now I'm bored with being super vigilant.

So I need a change.

I think I want to go on a vegetable, fruit, and nut diet for a week.  A friend of mine is on a similar diet due to health reasons, but I think it would be a great opportunity to try something different and see what only eating the natural foods would feel like. 

I think I'm going to try this in two weeks.  This weekend is v day and I don't want to impose on my honey.  Next week is a major work event that will occupy my during lunch and dinner.  But the week following, I think I may try this. 

In the meantime, I've dropped a size and am now a size 12!

Epic Battle: Me vs Chinese Food

Yesterday was an epic battle of Margee vs. Food.  Margee has been winning the war this week, but yesterday's battle proved more difficult than expected.  The morning began normally, with Margee knocking out Sweet Cravings with Trader Joe's Maple and Brown Sugar Instant Oatmeal, but as stress and hunger began to build, Tortilla took her down at 11 a.m.  Tortilla #2 and #3 joined in at 2pm, and by 3pm Food had made Margee feel powerless, and she simply sat out the rest of the day.  Two servings of Chinese food and brownies later, Margee retired from the ring exhausted and ready for tomorrow.

Yesterday sucked food wise and I'm afraid to get on the scale tomorrow.  I must admit I'm not going to log yesterday's horrendous eating because it'll simply make me feel terrible and there's nothing I can do at this point besides eat well today. 

Despite yesterday's horrednous eating, Wednesday marked the completion of my February goal!  For three straight days I ate within my calorie budget.  That's very exciting.  I wonder if I can eat another three days straight in my calorie budget.  I hope so!

I wish...

I wish I could have a healthy relationship with food.  It's better now than it's ever been before, but I still obsess about my hunger level and the food I'm going to eat.  I wish I could view food as a delicious nutrient, not something to satiate me during times of boredom and stress.

I wish I could leave food on my plate without a lot of thinking and indecision.  I wish I could not obsess about taste.  I wish it wasn't all about food. But it's always all about food for me.  My birthday was celebrated with deliciousness, holidays are thought-out weeks in advance, and I adore cheese in huge amounts.  I wish I innately understood portion control.

I wish I didn't gain 3 pounds this week. 

Limping along

I am not a good sick person.  I make a fuss.  I don't work through the pain, I cry through it.  I whimper and complain and don't get things done.  Which is why it must be really irritating for friends and family that I'm still hurting.

Last night I ate within my calorie budget until the end of the night.  After my class - which took me 20 minutes to limp the 3 blocks to - I was so exhausted and hungry from pain that I ate the sweets sitting on the table... and then some.  Even in the moment I knew that I shouldn't be eating the delicious sugary concoctions, but I did it anyhow.  I need to stop making excuses.

I am trying to relax so my body can heal quicker, so I did not exercise this morning.  This gives me even less room to mess up during the day.  I need to keep a strict diet (something I've never been good at) to continue my weight loss this week.  I do not want to have pain as an excuse not to achieve my goals.  I can do this!  (I hope!)

Still hurt

Four days after The Fall, and I'm still sore.  Yesterday I went to the gym, trying to make up for the skipped work outs on Wednesday and Thursday, but I am afraid I did too much.  An hour on the elliptical going slowly was thirty minutes too much.  I think it's stunted my healing process because now I'm just as sore as I was on Friday.

My eating yesterday was great, but Friday's was not.  Never the less I am surprised by this morning's weight: 174.8.  When I saw the number, I was very unhappy with myself.  I am grateful that I track my weight.  I have a short-term weight memory.  Whenever the number is stagnant for a week, the week feels like a month.  When I put the weight into Spark People, I saw that 174.8 is a pound less than it was three weeks ago, during the holidays.  I'll take the (small) loss, even if I had hoped for more from myself this weekend.

The view from my window is beckoning me to go outside, but sadly I don't think I'm going to be able to make it today.  My hip is hurting simply from sitting.

Taking a tumble: The Hill and Chinese Food

I took a bit of a tumble down the hill (read HUGE MOUNTAIN) where I live on Wednesday morning.  Trying to avoid a puddle, I slipped on the wet sidewalk next to it.  On the ironic scale, pretty hilarious.  On the pain scale, ouch!  It hurt to move, but thankfully I walked away with nothing worse than some bruising.  I  avoided the gym later that day and the day following.  I could barely walk.  There was no way I could elliptical.

Yet, I was very excited about the opportunity to show the eating skills I've mastered.  Despite the pain, I didn't let myself eat emotionally and even saw a loss the next morning!

Thursday, on the other hand, was pretty awful food-wise.  I have a variety of trigger foods, and they can all be lumped into the same category: carbohydrates.  I ordered chow fun while out at lunch with a lay leader, and ate responsibly.  But then I got hungrier later that day, with delicious leftovers sitting in the fridge.  Without enough forethought, I ate everything that was left!

But I'm feeling good about today, right now.  I have been eating normally once again, with no more Chinese food to haunt my fridge.  I love being able to start a new day!

Oh holidays, oh holidays

I have been thinking about family dinners, holiday parties, and being home, just like everyone else who is trying to lose weight.  My (terrible) plan for eating this holiday season: not have one.

It's not a very healthy plan, and it's not the best, but I've given myself a rest... month.  I simply don't know how to count calories and stay motivated while not maintaining my routine.  It's terrible, I know.  I just feel like I just need a rest, though.

I am excited to start up again after I return from Michigan in early January.  I can't wait to have my cooking, working, and exercise routine back.  This is similar to those who start their plans on January 1, but at least I know the steps now.

Hope you all are enjoying this holiday season. 

Oh goodness

Did I really just down 4 chocolate chip cookies?  I don't even like chocolate!  I'm so frustrated with myself.  I see myself spiraling into the waiting mode.  I simply know I'll be back to my routine in just a few weeks, and somehow that justifies getting out of my routine now.  It's very frustrating.

Fried onions

I don't know about you, but fried onions are not my friend. 

I had a terrible eating day, culminating with drinks and terrible-ness with the co-workers at end of day.  While my lunch didn't break the calorie bank, those fried onions sure did.  I really need to learn moderation. 

I am afraid to weigh myself in the morning, but I feel I should.  I really need to get a better handle on my eating during this holiday season.