Saturday, September 19, 2009
Dancing the night away
I should find weight loss as an affirmation of success, but I've unconsciously finding it proof that I need to change myself. I don't want to compromise my personality, but I also want to find the sexy self-confidence of fellow club goers.
Friday night I went out by myself to a club, which is something I used to do often when I was younger. I went out by myself because I didn't think I had anyone to go out with me. Now that those circumstances have changed - and I may actually know people in the club - I find it terrifying to walk through those doors alone. Oddly, having friends has made me more vulnerable to fear, and to thoughts about what I need to do to change myself.
Before I hid under the idea that no one would want to be with me because I was so fat. As the fat is starting to sink away I have been taking a lot of time to try and look at how to improve who I am. This, of course, is under the flawed assumption that I'm not great as the person I already am.
It was really great on Friday to go alone. I walked by the club the first time because I was terrified, but after I walked in I started to feel the the thrill of chatting up people and moving to the music. And it turned out that I knew quite a few fellow Mills graduates and they were thrilled to see me.
I haven't been very passionate and confident lately, and it's really nice to see that return. I am going to try to change my perspective - just because I'm changing how I look, doesn't mean I change who I am.
"I got a perfect body because my eyelashes catch my sweat." - Regina Spektor, "Folding Chair"