Stressed and sweet

Work is super stressful right now.  We have a half dozen amazing time-intensive projects going on, and it's very hard to keep on track of everything.  So hard, in fact, that I can not do it.  Simply put, I'm stressed.  (As a little disclaimer, I love to be stressed.  So I really do love times like this.)

The problem with stress is I become distracted and overwhelmed, which prompts bad eating.  Just half an hour ago, wondering how I'm going to be able to do all the things that need to be done in the next two hours, I was craving a cookie.  If only I could go out and get something sweet, I told myself, I would return to work refreshed and be able to get this work done.

I made myself tea instead. 

I kept working and am enjoying the delicious yogi tea I bought myself, saving money and calories today!  I'm very proud of days like today.  It makes me feel like this is a battle that will soon be less urgent and less demanding.  Victories like this make me believe that one day I will be able to have a healthy relationship with food.  Just one day of taking healthy over delicious or bad for me is a victory, and today marks the SECOND day I've overcome my temptations!  Maybe getting injured is a blessing in disguise - I am now eating healthier than I ever was while exercising.

Yoga

Since my mobility is severely limited, especially in comparison to my routine daily workouts, I did a yoga class earlier this week.  Not only did it not leave my hip sore after (but boy did the rest of my body feel it!) it really inspired me.  Ever since the yoga class I have tried to avoid processed and frozen foods, which is most of what I keep around, and my body seems to be feeling better energized.  I made some homemade butternut squash soup and have been eating way more veggies than usual.  Yummy!

Yesterday I had my second Tuesday evening class.  During last week's class I was so exhausted and overwhelmed with the pain that I ate a lot more than I should have, and I was very proud with how I dealt with it yesterday.  Studying at the cafe during dinner time, I responsibly only ordered a banana and ate the dinner I had planned.  Passing up an opportunity to eat bread is really hard for me, and this is a HUGE accomplishment in my book!

Weight loss is a lot harder when you can't exercise, and I'm hoping to go to the doctor soon to get it all checked out.  If nothing else, so that he can give me some strengthening exercises, because this sure does suck!

Weekly weigh in

Whoops!  Forgot to update with my weekly weigh in information.  I even had it written out!

Last week's weight: 172.2
This week's weight: 174.4
This week's weight lost: +2.2
Total weight lost: 52.0

I'm not happy with a two pound gain, but I also know it's not the end of the world. Not working out has had a significant effect on me. I am not very good at keeping to the eating part of my diet, and I heavily supplement my weight loss routine with exercise. Mixed with the fact that I feel bored being stuck in the house, and have been eating out of boredom, I'm not surprised with the gain.  But I hope the week will be better.  (And it has!)

I wish...

I wish I could have a healthy relationship with food.  It's better now than it's ever been before, but I still obsess about my hunger level and the food I'm going to eat.  I wish I could view food as a delicious nutrient, not something to satiate me during times of boredom and stress.

I wish I could leave food on my plate without a lot of thinking and indecision.  I wish I could not obsess about taste.  I wish it wasn't all about food. But it's always all about food for me.  My birthday was celebrated with deliciousness, holidays are thought-out weeks in advance, and I adore cheese in huge amounts.  I wish I innately understood portion control.

I wish I didn't gain 3 pounds this week. 

When does a snack become a meal?

My dessert after dinner is the same thing I eat for breakfast.  Well, almost the same thing.  I don't have butter with my breakfast, I eat it plain.

If I'm still hungry after dinner, I will eat a cinnamon raisin English muffin with butter.  It tastes like dessert, has carbs (which I have a hard time eating enough of), and isn't too caloric.  With only 160 calories, it is a great and filling after dinner.

The problem is that it's generally 160 calories after a full 400-500 calorie dinner.  That makes my dinner and dessert half of my daily caloric budget. I would like to better balance my caloric intake throughout the day, but I know that come dinner time I'm going want to abandon the control I've let into my day.

I'll do portion control, but you can have four 100 calorie ice creams, and that's a whole meal through portion control.  I'm good at putting the food in the bags, but I'm not good at making sure I only eat one. 

A cookie is enough calories for a meal, but does it make it a meal?  Popcorn is as filling with 300 less calories.  When does a snack become a meal?

Limping along

I am not a good sick person.  I make a fuss.  I don't work through the pain, I cry through it.  I whimper and complain and don't get things done.  Which is why it must be really irritating for friends and family that I'm still hurting.

Last night I ate within my calorie budget until the end of the night.  After my class - which took me 20 minutes to limp the 3 blocks to - I was so exhausted and hungry from pain that I ate the sweets sitting on the table... and then some.  Even in the moment I knew that I shouldn't be eating the delicious sugary concoctions, but I did it anyhow.  I need to stop making excuses.

I am trying to relax so my body can heal quicker, so I did not exercise this morning.  This gives me even less room to mess up during the day.  I need to keep a strict diet (something I've never been good at) to continue my weight loss this week.  I do not want to have pain as an excuse not to achieve my goals.  I can do this!  (I hope!)

Delicious snacking!

I know I'm late to the game (or at least all my college friends claim I am), but I just found my new favorite snack - edamame (soybeans).  They taste like they were roasted in butter and are a delicious low-calorie snack that are fun to eat.  They make me feel like I'm eating luxuriously without "wasting" the calories.

Weekly weigh in

WEIGHT: 172.2
TOTAL LOSS: 54.2

I'm going to start doing weekly weigh in on Monday.  I've been doing this personally, but I might as well start doing it here too.  I'll include a weekly loss next time, but I don't have the information from last week.

Remember Saturday, when I said that weight loss fluctuates?  Well, my body sure did prove my point this week.

Yesterday I was 174.8.  Today I am 172.2, which is an all-time low for me!  Despite my limited appetite yesterday, I didn't simply lose 2.6 pounds in a day.  Maybe I shouldn't trust the surprisingly high numbers, but it's always the low numbers I am skeptical of.  I find it easier to blame myself for high numbers than trust the hard work I did for the low numbers.

So how did I lose over 2 pounds in a day?  I have no answer, but I do have an idea.  I eat a lot of sodium during the week because of all of the pre-packaged meals I eat.  On weekends I try to compensate with more home-cooked foods.  I think the two pound drop is simply no longer being full of salt, and thus not retaining water weight.

Of course it could just be my hard work paying off at the end of the week, but I find it hard to believe it.  Maybe that's just because I'm not good at giving myself praise, despite the almost 55 pounds I've lost in the last year and a half.

Still hurt

Four days after The Fall, and I'm still sore.  Yesterday I went to the gym, trying to make up for the skipped work outs on Wednesday and Thursday, but I am afraid I did too much.  An hour on the elliptical going slowly was thirty minutes too much.  I think it's stunted my healing process because now I'm just as sore as I was on Friday.

My eating yesterday was great, but Friday's was not.  Never the less I am surprised by this morning's weight: 174.8.  When I saw the number, I was very unhappy with myself.  I am grateful that I track my weight.  I have a short-term weight memory.  Whenever the number is stagnant for a week, the week feels like a month.  When I put the weight into Spark People, I saw that 174.8 is a pound less than it was three weeks ago, during the holidays.  I'll take the (small) loss, even if I had hoped for more from myself this weekend.

The view from my window is beckoning me to go outside, but sadly I don't think I'm going to be able to make it today.  My hip is hurting simply from sitting.

Planning

My weight loss journey has been successful for one reason: I plan.

I plan my work outs, I plan what food I'm going to eat, and I plan my weight loss goals.

I finished my 2010 calendar, and it looks like October 11th is going to be a big day for me.  If I lose 1 pound a week, that is the week I'll be at my goal weight.  I hope to be able to lose closer to 2 pounds a week, but I know the weight loss fluctuates because I am human.  But a 1 pound a week loss is a very reasonable expectation, and it should be possible for me to reach this goal.  Very exciting!

Taking a tumble: The Hill and Chinese Food

I took a bit of a tumble down the hill (read HUGE MOUNTAIN) where I live on Wednesday morning.  Trying to avoid a puddle, I slipped on the wet sidewalk next to it.  On the ironic scale, pretty hilarious.  On the pain scale, ouch!  It hurt to move, but thankfully I walked away with nothing worse than some bruising.  I  avoided the gym later that day and the day following.  I could barely walk.  There was no way I could elliptical.

Yet, I was very excited about the opportunity to show the eating skills I've mastered.  Despite the pain, I didn't let myself eat emotionally and even saw a loss the next morning!

Thursday, on the other hand, was pretty awful food-wise.  I have a variety of trigger foods, and they can all be lumped into the same category: carbohydrates.  I ordered chow fun while out at lunch with a lay leader, and ate responsibly.  But then I got hungrier later that day, with delicious leftovers sitting in the fridge.  Without enough forethought, I ate everything that was left!

But I'm feeling good about today, right now.  I have been eating normally once again, with no more Chinese food to haunt my fridge.  I love being able to start a new day!

2010 goals

My goal for 2009 was to lose 52 pounds in 52 weeks.  Weighing in at 175 on the week of my birthday, I am shy of my goal by 12 pounds, yet I am more successful than I ever imagined by virtue of the things I’ve learned in this last year.

Healthy eating simply feels better now than it ever did before.  My body works better after a year of exercise and 40 pound loss.  I feel healthier and happier, and I now am confident that I can create my own path and physique.  I can care and sculpt my body like I would feed and trim a plant.  A simple concept, but until this year, it was completely foreign to me.

In 2009 I started at 215 pounds, size 21, and unhappy with my body.  Now in 2010 I am starting at 175 pounds, size 14, and excited about my body.

I am looking forward to the next year, but I still feel ambivalent about my 2010 goals.    My goal weight (arbitrarily set) is 135 pounds, which is 40 pounds away from what I am at currently.  Part of me feels like I now have more tools than I ever had before, and I should be able to get rid of 40 pounds within six months.  The other part of me remembers than it just took me a year to shed 40 pounds, and I’m afraid that weight loss will become slower the closer I am to my goal weight.  To be completely truthful, I am afraid that I won’t know how to eat at 135 pounds; I have to imagine losing weight at 145 is a lot different than losing it at 215.

Ultimately I know what my goals are, but I don’t know how quick I can achieve them.

My 2010 goals are:

• Lose 40 pounds and be at my goal weight of 135.  (I am most anxious about the next 20 pounds, which will put me at a “healthy” BMI weight)
• Squeeze into a size 8.  I would like to be able to be a size 6, but we’ll see how my body works looks and feels.
• Take a dance class.
• Set a fitness-related goal.  (Maybe train to run a 5K?)
• Learn how to improve my healthy cooking.  I know some recipes, and I would love to learn more and new ones.
• Feel pretty.  I love that clothing options are opening up to me, and I want to explore and take risks with my clothes.  (Also, I am pretty!)
  

Birthday

Just a short post, because it's my birthday.  My weight today is 175.0 (according to a scale that is not mine), which means I've met my holiday's goal, if not my year's goal.  I'm quite alright with that.  40 pounds gone, and I feel great.  Expect a larger update later in the week, when I'm done stuffing my face of birthday goodies!