Lovely lady and weight gain

Still overeating.  Still gaining weight.  Still happy.

Having a hard time prioritizing myself when there's this gorgeous lady in my life I can prioritize instead.  It's not sustainable, and I know I need to change it.  But it's fun right now, so it's hard to fight the urge to please the Lovely Lady and cook delicious, not necessarily nutritious foods.

I've never had a hard time prioritizing myself before.  This is a fun, happy-inducing, hard thing to learn.

Weekly Weigh-In (174.6)

Current weight: 174.6
Week's weight lost: -1.4
Total weight loss: 51.8


It's hard to write a number in the 170s.  I feel that I should be in the 160s, because that's where I left off.  That's where my lowest weight is.  All that energy I took to get into the 160s is now gone.  It feels wasted.  I know that this is about the journey, not the weight, but it's still hard to not judge myself for being heavier - again.  It's hard to get excited about a pound a half drop, because it feels like it's a pound a half closer to what it should be.


On the plus side, a pound a half!  Yay!  And that's even with too way-too-much pizza last night. I know that I'm on this amazing journey toward a healthier me.  It was amazing to hike on vacation.  I love living an active lifestyle.


Goal review and how last week went:

1. Routine - 
• Daily weigh-ins - YES, for the days I had a scale.  This really helps me
• Weekly blog weigh-ins - Hellllo there!
• Morning gym routine - SCORE!  Last week I kicked ass in this department - for the two days I was at work.  I was "off" during vacation, and I took a lazy day this morning - but tonight!
2. Lose a pound a week  - 
• YAY! 1.4 pounds!!!
3. Small, achievable goals with a method 
• Maintain an average 500 calorie daily deficit - more or less, depending on the day
• Eat four 300-400 calorie meals a day - this is my downfall.  I've had many 700 calorie meals this last week
• Eat between 1,400 and 1,700 calories a day, depending on exercise - Doing okay here.
• Plan meals ahead - I know what my lunch will be this week.  That counts, right?
4. Make healthy choices - Trying.  I'm trying.

The tools of the trade

After yesterday's crazy weigh-in of 5 pounds in one week, I wrote this list of the tools that I need to use to actually lose weight.  

The tools I need for success:

1. Routine - This morning I got up early and went to the gym.  It was amazing and great.  I love being out as the world begins to wake up, and starting my morning off right.  I've somehow misplaced my iPod, but hope it turns up.  All the same, my morning work out routine begins my day right with focusing on being healthy.
• Daily weigh-ins
• Weekly blog weigh-ins
• Morning gym routine
2. Lose a pound a week  - This is tied with the next thing - small, achievable goals - but I need a realistic larger goal too.  I also need to feel like I'm a success
• If my weight really is 176.0, I want to be 170.0 by October 1
3. Small, achievable goals with a method - This is the only way I can loose weight.  I know that if I have a measurable goal, it makes slip-ups manageable and doesn't make me feel like a failure.  To lose a pound a week, I need to be at a 500 daily calorie deficit.  (A pound is 3,500 calories, divided by 7 days.)  I naturally burn 1,900 calories a day without exercise, so I need to eat 1,400 calories a day to create a 500 calorie deficit.  
• Lose a pound a week, 170.0 by October 1
• Maintain an average 500 calorie daily deficit
• Eat four 300-400 calorie meals a day
• Eat between 1,400 and 1,700 calories a day, depending on exercise
• Plan meals ahead
4. Make healthy choices - This is the hardest one by far.  There is no tool for this one, there's on my inner psyche.  I make healthy choices by prioritizing myself, which I do by sticking to everything I wrote above.

Evening check-in

After having a bad weigh-in and a revelation of sort this morning, I wanted to check back in this evening.  I was conscious of my calories all day, which is something that hasn't happened for many months.  I made decisions in part on calorie information.  I didn't make the best decisions today, but I also didn't make the worse.

I ate 1,900 calories today.  This is exactly what I would need to eat to maintain my weight.  Thankfully, I also burned 470 calories today, creating a deficit.  I am 30 calories shy of my 500 calorie deficit goal, but that's much closer to that goal than I've come in a long time.

Breakfast:
English muffin with a Morningstar sausage patty and salsa

Lunch:
Trader Joe's mix - frozen brown rice, melted cheese, salsa, and Morningstar grillers patty

Snack:
Pretzels and oatmeal raisin cookie

Dinner:
Salmon, summer squash, bed & butter and half a cheesecake

Totals
Calories - 1900 (goal: 1400-1700)
Carbs - 194 (goal 160-247)
Fat - 76 (goal 30-59)
Protein - 118 (goal 58-133)

Weekly Weigh-In (176.0)

Current weight: 176.0
Week's weight lost: +5.2
Total weight loss: 50.4


A five pound gain in a week?  I'm not even sure what to say.  Yeah, this week hasn't been my greatest for healthy eating, but five pounds is unbelievable.  Or maybe it's just a wake up call.


I have been haphazardly tracking my calories.  I have meal goals (300-400 calories), but I am not accountable to them.  I've been practicing the general goal of "LOSE WEIGHT" rather than "lose weight by doing x, y, and z".  I've realized I need at least an a, b, and c.  I need small, achievable goals and know how I am going to get success.


So I'm going to prioritize myself among the stress and new situations, and create these goals.  I realized that I've been feeling like my life isn't in control, so I couldn't prioritize myself among the wedding planning, crazy schedule, and Lovely Lady.  But it is in my control.  I can choose to prioritize myself.  And I'm very lucky to have a supportive Lovely Lady who encourages me to do what I want for my body.  

Emotional eating, soothing excercise

While my morning rituals (wake up early, step on scale, go to the gym, eat at work) have been decimated over the past few months, I am slowly going through the destruction and picking up the pieces.  Stepping on the scale was one of those pieces I've been collecting the last week or two. But this morning I didn't even bother.

Last night I woke up with such extreme anxiety that after an hour of tossing and turning, I decided to get up and be productive.  I have never had problems sleeping - light, noise, environment - nothing bothers me.  After an hour and a half, I started eating, hoping the food in my stomach would numb the wedding-related terror.  (Lovely Lady and I are looking at venues this weekend, and I feel so unprepared!)

It was a food storm.  And this morning, I didn't step on the scale.

But this morning was the first morning that I went to the gym in a long time.  After my last post I realized that I need my morning routine back.  It was a glorious morning at the gym.  Normally I play fast music and try to keep up.  After last night, though, I wasn't prepared to sweat my heart out like that.  Instead, I played some soothing music and just went at my own pace.  It was just perfect - relaxing, endorphin-producing, moved my body, and got me out of bed.

Goals, goals, goals

I love living with my Lovely Lady, and I love being with her every second we're both free.  We have packed schedules and don't spend nearly as much time together as we would like.  And we have very different natural schedules.  The Lovely Lady is somewhat a perfectionist, and is willing to go to bed at 3 a.m. to get things done. I, on the other hand, like to be asleep by 10:30.  Sadly, we've been compromising by going to bed around 1:30.

My weight loss has been stagnant for awhile - even before the Lovely Lady and I were involved - not least of which is because I had already begun going to sleep much later.  Amazing Dane Findley (family friend, and productive guru extrordinaire) is doing a 4:15 Experiment - where he's going to wake up at 4:15 for 30 consecutive days in a row to increase his productivity.  The extremism of the experiment wouldn't work for me (4:30 every day!  Yowzers!) - I need much more flexibility in my life - but I'm tempted to try a similar change in my own life.  I used to be able to leave the house at 7 a.m. without much problem, and I would like to do that again sometime soon.

Committing to early mornings means that I need to spend less time with Kate, sadly.  For the past few months, that wasn't a decision I was willing to make.  As my life is getting crazier, though, I'm really missing the self-care time morning workouts allow me.

If it's not part of my routine, it doesn't get done, which is part of the reason I haven't made it to the gym very often these past few months.  I need to make weight loss, eating healthy, and the gym a priority, but that's so hard right now because I'm so in love....

Weekly Weigh-In (170.8)

Current weight: 170.8
Week's weight lost: -1.6
Total weight loss: 55.6


Despite the one and a half pound loss, today's weight is actually the highest of this last week's.  I've been hovering between 169.8 and 170.6, and was a little shocked at the 170.8 this morning.  But it is as it is, and it's still a pound a half less than last Monday!


As you might expect in a time when the legality of same-sex marriages is dubious, my week-long engagement has already produced some stress.  We're uncertain about our next steps, but hope to one day be legally married.  I have resorted to - you guessed it! - food, but made time yesterday to create individual serving sizes of all the yummies I bought this weekend.  


I like that my Lovely Lady thinks my individual serving sizes are "cute" rather than what I feared - annoying and wasteful.  (Afterall, that is a lot of zip lock bags I'm using!)  Her ambivalence toward food, unlike my greedy "Oh my goodness this tastes so good so let's keep eating no matter how full I am", has been a great role model to have around.  It's not that she doesn't care about food, but she doesn't need good food to make her happy.  Consciously and subconsciously, I have been noticing how food has played a different role in my life since we started living together.  

Weekly Weigh-in (172.4)

Current weight: 172.4
Week's weight lost: +2.2 
Total weight loss: 54.0


I have no clue how I gained 2.2 pounds this week, but it might have something to do with the fact that I got engaged to a lovely lady on Wednesday!  I haven't been paying that much attention to calories or food, but I don't think I've eaten enough to gain two pounds in a week.  I think the two pounds is a long-time coming gain from eating poorly the past few weeks.


Part of me now wants to lose weight for the wedding, but I also am fine with how I am now.  Either way, I want to lose the extra weight I am lugging around, even if it's not by the time I say "I Do".  


With all the excitement, I didn't make it to the gym last week, but I hope that will change this week.  I will for-sure go to the gym tomorrow, and hope to get another day in sometime this week.  


While the gym is nice, it's my food intake that I need to watch to lose weight and be healthy.  Today's pizza lunch just isn't going to do the trick.  I need to stick to start planning my meals based on health, not just on what tastes good.

Weekly Weigh-in (170.2)

Current weight: 170.2

Pounds lost: -56.2

When I stop weighing myself daily it means I'm not prioritizing weight loss.  I haven't been weighing myself daily for months now.  Partly because of the insane drama of my life the past few months, partly because I'm trying to adjust to these many changes I've been ecstatic to enjoy, and partly because of burn out.  Well, I'm re-lit this week, and I'm back.  To stay, I hope.

I'm still adjusting to living with my girlfriend.  The fact that my time is now shared with another (amazing) person is a little hard, but fun at the same time.  She likes that I cook lunches on the weekend for us to enjoy during the week.  I like that she does the dishes.  

Getting up is the hardest part.  I haven't made it consistently to the gym since we've been together, and I'm not entirely sure that's going to change.  Going to the gym five times a week while living with someone (with such a packed schedule!) is not something I'm able to maintain right now.  Instead, I think I'm going to make a goal of getting to the gym twice a week.  It's bolded, so I'll remember. 

It's okay if I don't go to the gym five times a week, though, as long as I eat well.  Plus, it's a 1.8 mile walk to BART and back again, that I walk every day.  It might not be a 400 calorie burn, but those 200 calories make a difference.  Historically, exercise is just a way to handle my overeating.  I'd prefer to just not overeat.  

Good Morning, Baltimore

Just because yesterday I ate peanut M&Ms, Butterfinger ice cream, a ice cream bar, a brownie, and some pie does NOT mean that today I have to do it all over again.  Today I can do better.  Healthy snacks are great!  And delicious!  And I don't have to fill my stomach like that.


Woke up today
Feeling the way I always do
Oh, oh, oh
Hungry for something
That I can't eat
Then I hear that beat
The rhythm of town
Starts calling me down
It's like a message from
High above

Months of maintaining, and trying to be back

I have become a really good maintainer.  Or, at least, I think I have.  I haven’t been on program for awhile, and that’s included time off the scale.  I know I’m still in the 170s range, so I’m going to call it maintaining.

A lot has happened lately in my life, and weight loss hasn’t been a major priority.  I have been finding a hard time to get back my motivation to lose the weight.  I’m at a size where I can shop in regular stores and people often comment on how good I look.  Yet, I know I’m not at my goal and I know I’m not in my healthy BMI range.  I want to lose at least another 30 pounds.  I have been trying to motivate myself to stop simply making this something I want, and instead, something I actively work toward.

But I’m trying.  I have been tracking my calories all week, and have made it to the gym yesterday and today.  I am going to plan my next weight loss moves sometime this week, and set goals for myself.  I know that weekly weight loss goals are the only way I can continue on the program, but I can’t create those until I step on the scale tomorrow morning.

So until then, I’m just back and hoping that committing this to words will help motivate me.

No weekly weigh-in

I haven't stepped on a scale in over a week.  It's been fantastic.

Normally I weigh myself daily, but I'm enjoying life a little too much right now to care to get back on the scale.  I think it might be up a little - or down.  I truly have no idea.  In the meantime, I've been going to the gym (a little less than normal, but going) and counting calories.

There are days when I look in the mirror and I'm amazed at what stares back at me.  My face, my stomach, my thighs, my entire body looks so different.  There is still a ways to go, but I'm very proud of the journey and what I look like right now.

Ignore the fact that it was taken in my work's restroom.  

That's a size 12 dress from Van Heusen Outlet!

Weekly Weigh-In (167.8)

This week’s weight: 169.4
This week's weight lost: -1.6
Total weight lost: -58.6


Wow!  What a huge loss for a week where I exercised only twice!  


It was a fairly good week.  The highlight of my week weight-loss wise was also the low point of my week personally.  I got in a huge argument with my best friend last week.  In my anger, I decided to go and treat myself somewhere nice and eat at restaurant I like.  The MUNI Metro was down, so I decided to walk to the restaurant - about 3 miles away.  As I walked, I realized that I was only going to eat the meal out of frustration, and as the miles went by I decided to instead make a responsible dinner at home.  

Weekly Weigh-In (169.4)

This week’s weight: 169.4
This week's weight lost: -.8
Total weight lost: -57.0

This week was not as hard as weeks before, but it was still a struggle.  And here I am - almost a pound lighter.  Go me!

I was thinking about "catching up" this morning.  I want to catch up to the goal I set for myself - 135 pounds by October 13.  But October 13 was picked randomly.  It was the day that would mark a pound loss per week from the starting goal of mid-January (when I got re-energized).  While reflecting on this, I realized that as long as I lose the weight by January 7, I'll be happy.  I don't want to do another year of this.  After doing the math - because I love math - I realized that achieving that goal would require an average of a 4 pound loss per month.  I  think beginning May, I will start to judge success more by my monthly number than my weekly number.

What is success?

How do you measure success?  Do you compare yourself to who you were last decade?  Last year?  Last month? 

A decade ago I didn't know how to eat.  I didn't understand the symbiotic relationship between my body and my mind and engaged in very unhealthy eating practices.

A year ago (and some change) I was the heaviest I've ever been, 226.4 pounds.  I felt shameful that I was so huge, and so I started this journey.


A month ago my weight loss was again slowing down, but I was less than half a pound away from 165 pounds.

Most of weight loss is mental.  Eat less and exercise more is easy in theory, but you have to inspire yourself to not eat that delicious cookie and get to the gym in the morning.  This is a journey without specific beginnings and endings, so measuring your own success is sometimes hard.  Success breeds more success. 

Today I have lost over 55 pounds since my heaviest weight, and I am almost 5 pounds heavier than I was last month.  I have two options - considering myself a failure for not meeting my pound a week challenge so far this year and gaining 5 pounds, or a success for losing so much weight and having just 35 more pounds until my goal weight. 

I'm going to call it a success, and inspire myself to lose 1.5 pounds a week to get back on track.

Post-Passover

Monday’s weigh in: 170.2
Total loss: 56.2

I’m back a little curvier, but I’m here!  Passover was stressful – personally (family) and professionally (professional Jew), but it was also lovely.  Passover is a holiday celebrating the Israelite Exodus from Egypt, and is an opportunity for the (inter) faith community to come together and celebrate the need for freedom for all.  I very much love my job, and I love the idea of freedom for all.  It’s such a wonderful holiday, even if it does involve some bland non-rising matzah.

For the past few months I have been unmotivated to lose weight.  While I haven’t gained back my motivation, I do know what I can do to get myself back on track.

1. I cannot dislike my fat away.  I hate how corny it sounds, but I have to like and honor my body and what it can do for me to lose the weight.  When I’m disgruntled, I care less about the wellbeing of my body and will often eat in frustration.  My body is a temple, and I need to care for it so.
   
2. Track calories is a must.   If it goes in my mouth, I need to record it.  Tracking is an automatic form of accountability, and it keeps me aware of how much I’m putting in my mouth.
   
3. I cannot skip the morning routine.  I’ve been staying up late for a variety of reasons, but I like my weight loss program and myself a lot more if I get myself to the gym before work.

I didn’t go to the gym this morning, but I did yesterday and I will tomorrow (and hopefully the rest of the week!).  I ate within my caloric goals yesterday and even hit every nutritional goal in the process!  I made myself quinoa with chicken Sunday for lunch for the week, and have been supplementing it with some frozen deliciousness in my work freezer (Morningstar Chick Patties, Trader Joe’s frozen rice with melted cheddar, frozen veggies, and fresh carrots).

In other news, this is my 100th post.  Go me!

Hi y'all

I haven't forgotten about this lovely blog here, but I've been super busy lately with work and play.  For the moment - I'm giving myself until after Pesach - I'm going to be a bit quiet over here.  See you all soon!  Chag sameach (for those Jews out there)!

[The Jewish holiday of Passover begins next Monday evening, and I have quite a few Seders to attend and plan until after the eight day holiday is over.]

Weekly weigh in (166.6)

This week’s weight: 166.6
This week's weight lost: -1.8
Total weight lost: -59.8

I only have time for a quick update today.  I just returned from New Orleans, and I'm still trying to process the experience. The group I went with was amazing.  We did a mix of volunteer work (gardening mostly), learning about the area and devastation after Katrina, and having fun. 

Between dancing and gardening, I got a good work out to counter all the alcohol and fried foods I ate and drank.  Because I didn't get near enough sleep, I wasn't hungry most days and didn't eat very  much.  This ended up being a great combination for weight loss, and despite my terrible eating earlier in the week, I still lost 1.8 pounds.  I am just 1.6 pounds above my goal line now, which is great.  I hope to be on or below my goal line by the end of the month. 

We talked a lot about food justice while in New Orleans.  While this issue isn't a high priority on my personal values matrix, it is very relevant to this blog.  I think it will be a good way to connect my experience there with my own lifestyle changes.  So you can look forward to some New Orleans food updates coming soon!

Food choices

Bad food day today.  I'm at a calorie deficit of 200, when my goal is 1100!  But tomorrow is another (long) day, and I'm going to try my hardest to work out.  I think I may work out before lunch.  It's going to be an 11 hour day otherwise, since I haven't been taking lunches lately because I'm so busy.  So I'll take an hour and a half lunch and look radiant for the last half of my day. 

This is okay.  Tomorrow is a new day, and in the meantime I have a job I adore.  (I've been eating to help me get the writing flowing for my five minutes speech to the Board tomorrow.  Very excited!)

Weekly weigh in (168.4)

This week’s weight: 168.4
This week's weight lost: -2.0
Total weight lost: -58.0

Two pounds down, and that’s including the weekend-long birthday party!  I passed up the greasy food and ate pretty healthy most of the week.  Go me!

I’m getting over being sick right now.  I’ve been sick for what feels like forever, but is really only two weeks with varying illnesses.  So my exercise routine is the trash (making a 2 pound loss even more impressive!), and I’m trying to stay good with my eating.  Today feels like one of my “bad” days, but calorically speaking I’m doing alright, as long as I don’t keep snacking!

I’m off to New Orleans on Thursday for a service learning project.  My exercise routine will be replaced with temporary construction worker, as we help re-build the area.  I’m very excited to be visiting!

I am not my friend

I am the worst friend to myself.  I am constantly critiquing and judging myself, and I rarely give myself encouragement besides the forced-feeding every time I realize I'm being negative, and I try to retroactively say something positive instead.

And it's been even worse lately.  I simply haven't been caring about much of anything, and as someone who is normally passionate and excited by life, this has led to some dismal weight-loss and self-confidence efforts.

I've been trying to change my internal dialogue for years now, and it goes slowly.  I often say "I love you" to myself, which makes me feel silly.  Yet, I feel just fine with the onslaught of "I hate you"s that is in constant repetition in my head, in reference to every small thing I've ever miss-done, even years later.

Last night, like many nights before, I completely binged.  Despite the fact that I had "wasted" my calories by 5 p.m. (oh delicious cookies!), it was a frustrating day and hunger remained.  So I ate.  I didn't eat anything too calorie extravagant - gnocci, 100 calorie ice cream, a Cliff bar - but more calories than I would have at a normal meal, and many more calories than I had budgeted for in the day.

Ironically, this morning I woke up sick (head cold), the scale was up 1.2 pounds, and I was late; and this morning I felt better than I have all week.  I felt my energy back and I felt the sun shine on me.  (Literally - it's finally sunny after days of rain.)  And I know that I will win this journey, even if the scale is not kind to me, even if I am not always kind to myself, and even if I mess up.  I will continue to try, and that's all that matters.

Weekly weigh in (170.4)

February 15’s weight: 168.0
This week's weight: 170.4
This week's weight lost: +2.4
Total weight lost: -56.0
February’s weight lost: -1.4

I skipped my weigh-in last week, but I’m back now.  I’ve been feeling very badly about weight recently – how did I manage to gain 4 pounds?!  (I weighed myself last Wednesday, and was at 172.)   I’m feeling unsuccessful and off-goal.  So it is a shock to me that I still managed to lose 1.4 pounds in February.  It’s not the 4 pounds I was aiming for, but it’s still a loss and it makes me feel somewhat successful.

Accordingly to my goal chart, I should be at 167.  While three pounds is truly a very small amount, it’s the difference between feeling like a winner and feeling like a failure.  I want to stay on-goal, I want to stay successful.  I’ve been trying to tell myself that I am successful – I have lost 55 pounds!  But I still can’t shake how many pounds off-goal I am, and trying to figure out ways to get back on-goal. 

But I did lose 1.4 pounds this month.  And I know that by the end of next month I’ll be able to say I’m on-goal again.  I just know it.  I’ve begun working out in the mornings again and I’ve been studiously tracking my calories.  I know I can do this!

Losing weight while Jewish

"Would you like some more mashed potatoes?" my Oma (grandmother) will ask me when I visit.  She will say this as she puts the mashed potatoes on my plate.

"No, I'm okay," I'll say back before realizing the mashed potatoes sitting there.  I'll have already had a plate and a half of delicious food and I'm not THAT hungry.  My Oma loves me, and equates food with love.  It's very sweet, but hard sometimes.

While not an entirely "Jewish" problem, it's hard to lose weight with a family and holidays like this.  Yesterday evening we celebrated Purim, a holiday where you're commanded to get so drunk you can't tell the good guy from the bad guy in the story.  Those shots of vodka add up, and I'm always more likely to eat while drunk.  Plus, I just made some hamantashen, and if I say so myself, they are delicious!

The next big holiday coming up is Pesach (Passover).  Pesach you're supposed to drink 4 cups of wine and the entire day/evening is concerned with a great feast.  There are traditional things you're supposed to eat and eat, and only THEN do you get to the meal.  And, of course, as I have both family and friends (imagine that!) so I'll be enjoying more than one Pesach feast.

Of course, there's also the weekly holiday of Shabbat.  Challah, while delicious, is very caloric.  And that nice dinner once a week can also be a lovely, caloricly strenuous, meal. 

I'm not so religious that I celebrate every holiday (I stayed home last night) or honor all Shabbats, but I work for a Jewish institution and I do celebrate with infrequent frequency.  So, despite my unpious nature, being Jewish does give perspective to my weight loss.  Which is to say, the only way I can lose weight is if I can control my portions.  Obviously this isn't a Jewish concept, but it does help me to remind myself of it before I begin my celebrations.  It's hard to say no to my third helping of kugel, but I can do it!  At least, sometimes I can do it.  And all that needs to happen is I need to show restraint more than I don't show restraint.  I will slip up (oh, how I love challah), but I will also be learning.  I need to remember that this is a journey, not a daily exercise in winning or failing.

How can I challenge myself?

Kristen of Low Fat Dressing made a great comment the other day when I was talking about being unmotivated.  She suggested a food challenge to spice up my weight loss routine.  I'm currently in hyper regret mode, and trying to simply take back all those calories I've eaten the past few weeks.  My goal is to create a daily 1,100 calorie deficit until Monday, but I have no idea what comes after that.

I love this idea of a challenge of some kind, but I don't know what I should do.  I've been thinking of trying to start a Biggest Loser type of group here in SF.  Something where everyone puts in $15 at the beginning, and whoever has the largest percentage of weight loss at the end of the time gets the bounty.  It wouldn't really be about the money, but the accountability and having a group to meet with.

Or I could start that fruit, nut, and veggie diet I wrote about before, but I'm afraid I'd grow tired of the diet rather than it bringing excitement to my life.

I know I need to get back to my morning workouts.  I've been exercising after work mostly, and it's not the same.  I need the structure in my life, to remind myself on a daily basis that I am losing weight.  When I work out, I use that time to concentrate on my next goal, the goals I've accomplished, and how I'm going to make the day the best it can be.  It's been nice to sleep in, but I think I need my morning mantra and accountability again.

But working out has always been the easy part for me.  I don't know what to do about the food.  Especially since I now have homemade hamentashen lying around my house.

Unmotivated

Alright, I'm going to admit it.  I'm bored.  It's not just counting calories that's boring me.  I lack the thrill of non-work deadlines.  Which is why I've decided to begin taking Spanish, but sadly I decided this two months too late.  I'm trying to be patient waiting for the semester to end.

So I'm bored in life and diet.  And I haven't been keeping up.  I'm afraid to step on the scale.  I'm wondering what the use is of "going on".  I know why I should - I'm not where I want to be health-wise, weight-wise, or size-wise.  Yet, I am comfortable where I am.  And similarly, I'm comfortable in life.

I need adventure.  I need some fun.

I did well on the diet today, but half of that was I was too busy concentrating on not falling over from dizziness that food didn't really persuade me.

Hopefully tomorrow and this weekend will be a better week.

Weekly weign in

I'm going to skip my weekly weigh-in this week.  I never do this, but I'm simply too embarrassed/in disbelief over the weight I saw this morning.  I'll let you know next week where I stand.

In the meantime, my embarrassment has proven to be an effective motivating tool.  I have planned out my week and seem to be on the right track.  I am trying to stay motivated, but it's hard when I'm starting to feel like I have a "normal" body.  But I'm not yet in the healthy range, and I'm still not thrilled with how my body looks.  I know it's unusual, but I like my body more when I'm standing naked in front of my mirror in the morning than I do after all the layers of clothes I put on.  Those curves are proof of all my hard work, and that gets hidden under the shirts and pant.

But sometimes I need a reminder that I'm not yet done with this work.  I yearn for a day when my legs don't rub, and I don't need to wear tights or leggings to make a dress comfortable.  I want to be able to be a healthy weight.  I want to be HOT, not just beautiful.  This can only be attained if I watch what I eat.  I CAN DO IT!!!  IT REALLY IS WHAT I WANT!!!

When you’re only overweight

Life feels different now that I’m overweight, not the expansive obese girl I’ve always been.  For as long as I can remember I saw the world as “fat” and “not fat”.  I did not understand people who felt overweight because they wanted to lose ten pounds.  They were so thin!  They could shop in department stores!  They didn’t worry about taking up more than their share of the seat on the bus!  I was angered by what I considered vanity.  I lived in a body where I couldn’t shop in the stores, where I organized my life around food, where I felt shame at my body, and yet… I got through it, I dated, I had fun, I lived.  I was so angry that they even considered 10 pounds, when they were thin and I was fat.  But it turns out, I was just angry at myself.

In the process of losing weight I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I’m not close to the finish of my journey, but even at size 12 I feel so different than I did at size 22.  I have always had a zest for life, but now I am overcoming the shame and anger and self-hate that sponsored my eating problems.  To eat less, I had to examine why I was eating too much in the first place.  I ate when I felt nervous, and I felt nervous because I never felt good enough, witty enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  I still have those issues, but I’m actually dealing with them now – rather than simply eating them “away”.

And I don’t eat things away anymore; I don’t have hidden meals of thousands of calories.  Before, I would secretly go to Taco Bell, McDonald’s, In & Out, Old Spaghetti Factory after lunch and eat another huge meal.  I would hide the evidence so no one would find out about my shameful habits, even when my body displayed them for all to see.  It’s taken over two years, but I’ve begun to learn moderation.  I balance my hunger and (mostly) eat apples instead of ice cream.  After binging all of my life, I feel like I’ve finally begun to learn the beginnings of being whole and respecting my body.

The world feels different when your stomach doesn’t enter the room before you do.  I no longer think people are staring at me because I’m fat (and now I wonder if they ever were.)  I used my fat as a shield.  It hid me from my self-disappointment.  I can no longer use the excuse that that awesome person didn’t come and chat me up because I’m fat – and assume that no one wants to be friends with the fat girl.  The world is more real now – I have to stand on my own merits.  The world is also kinder; it’s easier to live in a world where things are manufactured for your mentality and size.  The shops stock clothing that fits me, I don’t feel shameful when I go out to eat by myself, and I’m starting to feel normal in ways I never thought I’d be able to attain.

Weekly weigh in

Last week's weight: 171.8
This week's weight: 168.0
This week's weight lost: -3.8
Total weight lost: 58.4

I was hungry this weekend.  I ate Thai food, quiche, 1/2 pound burger and fries, cheese and herb polenta, and a slew of other things I should only eat in moderation.   While it wasn't an out and out eat fest, I did eat more than I should on quite a few days.  These eating days were balanced with days I ate in moderation, but considering the food I ate, the four pound loss is mind-blowing.  I stepped on the scale three times to make sure that I wasn't simply getting a wonky number.  I still wonder, though, if I simply broke my scale...

My boy and I broke up this week.  If we were in a romantic comedy, we would have likely made up the night before Valentine's Day.  But there is no bad romantic comedy movie in my future, just some great opportunities to learn from my mistakes and become the person I want to be.*  We've been on and off again for the entirety of our three year relationship, and it's past the time where things needed to end romantically.  After three years of struggle, we've both agreed that we're not working out, but would like to keep our amazing friendship. 

The day of - and after - the break up I ate very little.  I felt the hunger from far away, but food simply didn't interest me.  I was completely shocked!  I was expecting a buffet line of bad things, but my body insisted on fruit smoothies and a lot of broccoli.  This is going on my list of one of the reasons I adore my body.

After two days I was up to my old tricks, and it feels like things have begun to balance out.  I feel like I over did it this weekend, but I stopped tracking at some point.  I went on a 10 minute run this weekend, which felt so amazing after so many weeks of "healing".  It feels nice to be back, and almost be 100%.

*Sappy, I know.  But I really believe shit like that.  I also think that everything happens for a reason.  Just call it my Bay Area Philosophy.  I also own Birkenstocks, eat organic and local produce, and love to compost.

Race, class, and size

Sorry y'all, yesterday's post wasn't very clear.  Here's what I mean to say:

I come from a heavy family.  Weight was one of the first issues I was aware of.  I learned to embrace my size, and not to trust people whose lives revolve around weight and how you look.  Fashion and size felt forbidden in my house, yet simultaneously obsessed over.  My mother has dealt with this problem by getting weight loss surgery.  I have dealt with it here, on this blog.

My father, while economically middle class, is a working class person at heart.  He makes fun of yoga and pilates, and any other typically middle or upper class calisthenics (or, come to think of it, lifestyle).  He has a gym membership, but only uses the pool.  He runs outside, and he thinks that outside is exactly where everyone's gym should be.  Not in a classroom bending in awkward positions.

While I'm VERY proud of the 55 pounds I've lost - and my family supports me in this effort to loose weight - I also feel shameful at being the person who goes to the gym before work.  But it's not only that.  In my (wonderful) pilates class yesterday, there was one African American and two Asian women in the class of about 25.  A ratio like that makes me feel uncomfortable.  I live in the very diverse city of San Francisco (our bus announcements come in THREE languages!), and I dislike it when that diversity is not reflected in the activities I do.  Which is ironic.  Most Jewish community events (my day job/life) deals mainly with a white, but internationally diverse, audience.  (There are many Jews of color, but they are not well integrated into the organized Jewish community).

Of course, this shame is something I simply must overcome.  And it's wonderful that I have the opportunity to overcome it with a series of exercises I am loving - pilates and yoga.

Pilates, yoga, and class

I feel guilty for going to pilates and yoga.  I am afraid I'm turning into the fit yuppie who buys organic, fresh produce and wants to make the world better.  While none of those things are terrible in their own right, I am afraid of the class and size assumptions and stereotypes that go along with those things.  I live in a diverse world, and I don't want my getting fit experience to be with any less of a plurality.

Yet, I am becoming a fit yuppie who buys organic, fresh (and kosher) produce, and I want to make the world a better place.

Do any of you struggle with overcoming your fit stereotypes? 

Shopping

While shopping last week I was lamenting being between sizes - nothing fit!  The size 14s were simply falling off me.  It wasn't until I left the store did I realize that I had dropped a size.


I am now a size 12!

Being a size 12 means that there is quite a lot more opportunities when I'm out shopping.  I can shop in stores like Express, Victoria's Secret, H & M, and others without worrying.  Before, at a size 14, I couldn't always squeeze into everything.  And other places didn't carry the larger sizes.  It's so freeing to be able to go mall shopping.  It's such a new experience.  It's so much fun!

In celebration I - of course - went shopping.  Thrift Town had a good selection, and I got a skirt and jeans - both size 12!  I bought a dress from Zara's and a skirt from H & M.  And I of course needed new shoes to go along with all these great finds.

I don't have pics yet of me in the new clothing, but hopefully I'll be able to share them soon.  But here are my new pumps.  Aren't they amazing?  They're purple!

Weekly weigh in (171.8) and diet

Last week's weight: 171.0
This week's weight: 171.8
This week's weight lost: +.8
Total weight lost: 54.6

I was in the 160s last week, and I'm again 2 pounds away from that goal.  While frustrating, I feel less bothered by it than I would in other weeks.  I'm eager to again get on my goal line (I would need to be 170.0 today), but - I hate to admit this - I don't care.

I want to lose weight.  I want to be a smaller size.  I want to get to my goal weight.  But I'm also so tired of tracking my calories.  I'm tired of caring about weight loss.  I know that the only thing that keeps me on track is watching my calories, and I've been slacking on that.  I need to get re-motivated. 

The first two weeks after my injury, I was motivated because I knew I simply had to stay within my calorie budget to loose weight.  It was something new, but now I'm bored with being super vigilant.

So I need a change.

I think I want to go on a vegetable, fruit, and nut diet for a week.  A friend of mine is on a similar diet due to health reasons, but I think it would be a great opportunity to try something different and see what only eating the natural foods would feel like. 

I think I'm going to try this in two weeks.  This weekend is v day and I don't want to impose on my honey.  Next week is a major work event that will occupy my during lunch and dinner.  But the week following, I think I may try this. 

In the meantime, I've dropped a size and am now a size 12!

Epic Battle: Me vs Chinese Food

Yesterday was an epic battle of Margee vs. Food.  Margee has been winning the war this week, but yesterday's battle proved more difficult than expected.  The morning began normally, with Margee knocking out Sweet Cravings with Trader Joe's Maple and Brown Sugar Instant Oatmeal, but as stress and hunger began to build, Tortilla took her down at 11 a.m.  Tortilla #2 and #3 joined in at 2pm, and by 3pm Food had made Margee feel powerless, and she simply sat out the rest of the day.  Two servings of Chinese food and brownies later, Margee retired from the ring exhausted and ready for tomorrow.

Yesterday sucked food wise and I'm afraid to get on the scale tomorrow.  I must admit I'm not going to log yesterday's horrendous eating because it'll simply make me feel terrible and there's nothing I can do at this point besides eat well today. 

Despite yesterday's horrednous eating, Wednesday marked the completion of my February goal!  For three straight days I ate within my calorie budget.  That's very exciting.  I wonder if I can eat another three days straight in my calorie budget.  I hope so!

GOOD BYE 170!

I can't believe it!  I am under 170 pounds.  Just barely, weighing in this morning at 169.8, but still there!  I can barely get my head wrapped around the idea that I was in the 170s, much less that I'm now in the 160s!  I've never been below 185 before, and this feels great!  (Sorry for the excessive use of exclamation points, but I'm very excited.)

I've been noticing my body a lot lately.  It catches my eye whenever I'm in front of a mirror.  I notice the bone in my shoulders, the pronounced curve of my hips, the way I look taller.  It's fun having thighs that are straight, rather than being bunched and curved in awkward places because there's simply no where else to put the fat.  It's great to have only one chin, room in my pants, and feel amazing.  I am amazed at how far I've traveled, and excited about where I've yet to go. 

My top priority after I get my refund check is to move.  I want to live somewhere I can ride a bike to work.  I look forward to pedaling myself forward, literally and figuratively. 

February Goals

I can't believe it's already February!  I'm still adjusting to the fact that it's no longer 2009!

Every new month is a time to evaluate my goals and progress.  By looking at a month at a time, it's much easier for me to see that I am losing weight, even if that particular week was a gain.  (Thankfully, not this week!)

I am right on track. I've never been right on track EVER before on my weight loss journey.  It feels amazing.  So my goals for February are simple: to stay on track!

February goals:

1. (Continue to) Lose a pound a week.  That will put me at 167 on March 1st.  Wow!  At 171 this is a completely new weight for me, and I love being here.  I can't imagine what it'll feel like to be in the 160s!
2. Eat more homemade foods.  I've been trying to eat less processed foods.  I've made tomato soup for this week's lunches, and last week was homemade butternut squash soup.  I would like to continue to eat non-Trader Joe's frozen foods for the rest of the month's lunches.
3. Eat within my calorie limit.  This is always the hardest for me.  I would like to have one week - a whole seven days - where I stay in my calorie range.  I think that's too big of a goal for me at this point, though.  So my February goal is to have three consecutive days where I eat within my calorie range. 

Weekly weigh in (171.0)

Last week's weight: 174.4
This week's weight: 171.0
This week's weight lost: -3.4
Total weight lost: 55.0

I didn't really lose 3 pounds in a week.  My weight has been fluctuating rather radically the past two weeks. I am definitely somewhere between 171 and 174, but I'm not sure exactly where along that spectrum I really weigh in.  I'm only going to be confident in the weight loss if I have a similar weigh in tomorrow.

At 171 I am exactly "on goal" for the year, which is exciting.  I have been significantly less hungry because I can't work out right now, so eating 1200 calories a day has been very filling.  Which is super unexpected.  It seems that being injured is not all bad, and it's showing me that there are many different way to weight loss.
d

Stressed and sweet

Work is super stressful right now.  We have a half dozen amazing time-intensive projects going on, and it's very hard to keep on track of everything.  So hard, in fact, that I can not do it.  Simply put, I'm stressed.  (As a little disclaimer, I love to be stressed.  So I really do love times like this.)

The problem with stress is I become distracted and overwhelmed, which prompts bad eating.  Just half an hour ago, wondering how I'm going to be able to do all the things that need to be done in the next two hours, I was craving a cookie.  If only I could go out and get something sweet, I told myself, I would return to work refreshed and be able to get this work done.

I made myself tea instead. 

I kept working and am enjoying the delicious yogi tea I bought myself, saving money and calories today!  I'm very proud of days like today.  It makes me feel like this is a battle that will soon be less urgent and less demanding.  Victories like this make me believe that one day I will be able to have a healthy relationship with food.  Just one day of taking healthy over delicious or bad for me is a victory, and today marks the SECOND day I've overcome my temptations!  Maybe getting injured is a blessing in disguise - I am now eating healthier than I ever was while exercising.

Yoga

Since my mobility is severely limited, especially in comparison to my routine daily workouts, I did a yoga class earlier this week.  Not only did it not leave my hip sore after (but boy did the rest of my body feel it!) it really inspired me.  Ever since the yoga class I have tried to avoid processed and frozen foods, which is most of what I keep around, and my body seems to be feeling better energized.  I made some homemade butternut squash soup and have been eating way more veggies than usual.  Yummy!

Yesterday I had my second Tuesday evening class.  During last week's class I was so exhausted and overwhelmed with the pain that I ate a lot more than I should have, and I was very proud with how I dealt with it yesterday.  Studying at the cafe during dinner time, I responsibly only ordered a banana and ate the dinner I had planned.  Passing up an opportunity to eat bread is really hard for me, and this is a HUGE accomplishment in my book!

Weight loss is a lot harder when you can't exercise, and I'm hoping to go to the doctor soon to get it all checked out.  If nothing else, so that he can give me some strengthening exercises, because this sure does suck!

Weekly weigh in

Whoops!  Forgot to update with my weekly weigh in information.  I even had it written out!

Last week's weight: 172.2
This week's weight: 174.4
This week's weight lost: +2.2
Total weight lost: 52.0

I'm not happy with a two pound gain, but I also know it's not the end of the world. Not working out has had a significant effect on me. I am not very good at keeping to the eating part of my diet, and I heavily supplement my weight loss routine with exercise. Mixed with the fact that I feel bored being stuck in the house, and have been eating out of boredom, I'm not surprised with the gain.  But I hope the week will be better.  (And it has!)

I wish...

I wish I could have a healthy relationship with food.  It's better now than it's ever been before, but I still obsess about my hunger level and the food I'm going to eat.  I wish I could view food as a delicious nutrient, not something to satiate me during times of boredom and stress.

I wish I could leave food on my plate without a lot of thinking and indecision.  I wish I could not obsess about taste.  I wish it wasn't all about food. But it's always all about food for me.  My birthday was celebrated with deliciousness, holidays are thought-out weeks in advance, and I adore cheese in huge amounts.  I wish I innately understood portion control.

I wish I didn't gain 3 pounds this week. 

When does a snack become a meal?

My dessert after dinner is the same thing I eat for breakfast.  Well, almost the same thing.  I don't have butter with my breakfast, I eat it plain.

If I'm still hungry after dinner, I will eat a cinnamon raisin English muffin with butter.  It tastes like dessert, has carbs (which I have a hard time eating enough of), and isn't too caloric.  With only 160 calories, it is a great and filling after dinner.

The problem is that it's generally 160 calories after a full 400-500 calorie dinner.  That makes my dinner and dessert half of my daily caloric budget. I would like to better balance my caloric intake throughout the day, but I know that come dinner time I'm going want to abandon the control I've let into my day.

I'll do portion control, but you can have four 100 calorie ice creams, and that's a whole meal through portion control.  I'm good at putting the food in the bags, but I'm not good at making sure I only eat one. 

A cookie is enough calories for a meal, but does it make it a meal?  Popcorn is as filling with 300 less calories.  When does a snack become a meal?

Limping along

I am not a good sick person.  I make a fuss.  I don't work through the pain, I cry through it.  I whimper and complain and don't get things done.  Which is why it must be really irritating for friends and family that I'm still hurting.

Last night I ate within my calorie budget until the end of the night.  After my class - which took me 20 minutes to limp the 3 blocks to - I was so exhausted and hungry from pain that I ate the sweets sitting on the table... and then some.  Even in the moment I knew that I shouldn't be eating the delicious sugary concoctions, but I did it anyhow.  I need to stop making excuses.

I am trying to relax so my body can heal quicker, so I did not exercise this morning.  This gives me even less room to mess up during the day.  I need to keep a strict diet (something I've never been good at) to continue my weight loss this week.  I do not want to have pain as an excuse not to achieve my goals.  I can do this!  (I hope!)

Delicious snacking!

I know I'm late to the game (or at least all my college friends claim I am), but I just found my new favorite snack - edamame (soybeans).  They taste like they were roasted in butter and are a delicious low-calorie snack that are fun to eat.  They make me feel like I'm eating luxuriously without "wasting" the calories.

Weekly weigh in

WEIGHT: 172.2
TOTAL LOSS: 54.2

I'm going to start doing weekly weigh in on Monday.  I've been doing this personally, but I might as well start doing it here too.  I'll include a weekly loss next time, but I don't have the information from last week.

Remember Saturday, when I said that weight loss fluctuates?  Well, my body sure did prove my point this week.

Yesterday I was 174.8.  Today I am 172.2, which is an all-time low for me!  Despite my limited appetite yesterday, I didn't simply lose 2.6 pounds in a day.  Maybe I shouldn't trust the surprisingly high numbers, but it's always the low numbers I am skeptical of.  I find it easier to blame myself for high numbers than trust the hard work I did for the low numbers.

So how did I lose over 2 pounds in a day?  I have no answer, but I do have an idea.  I eat a lot of sodium during the week because of all of the pre-packaged meals I eat.  On weekends I try to compensate with more home-cooked foods.  I think the two pound drop is simply no longer being full of salt, and thus not retaining water weight.

Of course it could just be my hard work paying off at the end of the week, but I find it hard to believe it.  Maybe that's just because I'm not good at giving myself praise, despite the almost 55 pounds I've lost in the last year and a half.

Still hurt

Four days after The Fall, and I'm still sore.  Yesterday I went to the gym, trying to make up for the skipped work outs on Wednesday and Thursday, but I am afraid I did too much.  An hour on the elliptical going slowly was thirty minutes too much.  I think it's stunted my healing process because now I'm just as sore as I was on Friday.

My eating yesterday was great, but Friday's was not.  Never the less I am surprised by this morning's weight: 174.8.  When I saw the number, I was very unhappy with myself.  I am grateful that I track my weight.  I have a short-term weight memory.  Whenever the number is stagnant for a week, the week feels like a month.  When I put the weight into Spark People, I saw that 174.8 is a pound less than it was three weeks ago, during the holidays.  I'll take the (small) loss, even if I had hoped for more from myself this weekend.

The view from my window is beckoning me to go outside, but sadly I don't think I'm going to be able to make it today.  My hip is hurting simply from sitting.

Planning

My weight loss journey has been successful for one reason: I plan.

I plan my work outs, I plan what food I'm going to eat, and I plan my weight loss goals.

I finished my 2010 calendar, and it looks like October 11th is going to be a big day for me.  If I lose 1 pound a week, that is the week I'll be at my goal weight.  I hope to be able to lose closer to 2 pounds a week, but I know the weight loss fluctuates because I am human.  But a 1 pound a week loss is a very reasonable expectation, and it should be possible for me to reach this goal.  Very exciting!

Taking a tumble: The Hill and Chinese Food

I took a bit of a tumble down the hill (read HUGE MOUNTAIN) where I live on Wednesday morning.  Trying to avoid a puddle, I slipped on the wet sidewalk next to it.  On the ironic scale, pretty hilarious.  On the pain scale, ouch!  It hurt to move, but thankfully I walked away with nothing worse than some bruising.  I  avoided the gym later that day and the day following.  I could barely walk.  There was no way I could elliptical.

Yet, I was very excited about the opportunity to show the eating skills I've mastered.  Despite the pain, I didn't let myself eat emotionally and even saw a loss the next morning!

Thursday, on the other hand, was pretty awful food-wise.  I have a variety of trigger foods, and they can all be lumped into the same category: carbohydrates.  I ordered chow fun while out at lunch with a lay leader, and ate responsibly.  But then I got hungrier later that day, with delicious leftovers sitting in the fridge.  Without enough forethought, I ate everything that was left!

But I'm feeling good about today, right now.  I have been eating normally once again, with no more Chinese food to haunt my fridge.  I love being able to start a new day!

2010 goals

My goal for 2009 was to lose 52 pounds in 52 weeks.  Weighing in at 175 on the week of my birthday, I am shy of my goal by 12 pounds, yet I am more successful than I ever imagined by virtue of the things I’ve learned in this last year.

Healthy eating simply feels better now than it ever did before.  My body works better after a year of exercise and 40 pound loss.  I feel healthier and happier, and I now am confident that I can create my own path and physique.  I can care and sculpt my body like I would feed and trim a plant.  A simple concept, but until this year, it was completely foreign to me.

In 2009 I started at 215 pounds, size 21, and unhappy with my body.  Now in 2010 I am starting at 175 pounds, size 14, and excited about my body.

I am looking forward to the next year, but I still feel ambivalent about my 2010 goals.    My goal weight (arbitrarily set) is 135 pounds, which is 40 pounds away from what I am at currently.  Part of me feels like I now have more tools than I ever had before, and I should be able to get rid of 40 pounds within six months.  The other part of me remembers than it just took me a year to shed 40 pounds, and I’m afraid that weight loss will become slower the closer I am to my goal weight.  To be completely truthful, I am afraid that I won’t know how to eat at 135 pounds; I have to imagine losing weight at 145 is a lot different than losing it at 215.

Ultimately I know what my goals are, but I don’t know how quick I can achieve them.

My 2010 goals are:

• Lose 40 pounds and be at my goal weight of 135.  (I am most anxious about the next 20 pounds, which will put me at a “healthy” BMI weight)
• Squeeze into a size 8.  I would like to be able to be a size 6, but we’ll see how my body works looks and feels.
• Take a dance class.
• Set a fitness-related goal.  (Maybe train to run a 5K?)
• Learn how to improve my healthy cooking.  I know some recipes, and I would love to learn more and new ones.
• Feel pretty.  I love that clothing options are opening up to me, and I want to explore and take risks with my clothes.  (Also, I am pretty!)
  

Birthday

Just a short post, because it's my birthday.  My weight today is 175.0 (according to a scale that is not mine), which means I've met my holiday's goal, if not my year's goal.  I'm quite alright with that.  40 pounds gone, and I feel great.  Expect a larger update later in the week, when I'm done stuffing my face of birthday goodies!